Detecting Tsunamis

lots of people dead in the south pacific, but i don't care, a couple of years from now i'm sure i wouldn't even remember it happened.

i hope these blog things stick around.

yesterday it was 20k dead, today it's 60k. every person probably has about 6 people that are very close and would truly mourn that person. 60k times 6... 360k people that really give a damn about the lives lost excluding those weirdos that can get an emotion out of a statistic.

what's been happening lately... i wish i knew what i wrote in my last blog.

aub rejected me, dad nearly got killed by iraqi security because he drove towards a mosque and then began to reverse which is when they started to shoot at him. fortunately they're crap at aiming with their ak47s, that and my dad's the terminator, he miraculously survived a bullet that went inside the car, through the seat, through his jacket, and simply got scratched. well now he's shitting his pants, and is giving the move to lebanon full steam ahead.

i don't quite understand how my dad makes decisions, but he just seams to use any excuse to support his decisions even though they appear after taking the decision. even after the initial premise for the decision no longer stands. sounds familiar yet?

made myself some black coffee (no sugar), damn this stuff tastes nice, i've been drinking just tea for the past month. ahhh, coffee and cigarettes, the bitter taste of coffee at the back of the tongue, the cigarette smoke travelling in and numbing the taste of the coffee for just a moment.

i'm 23 and i've just recently developed acme problems. weird shit. maybe i should get some antibiotics.

i've downloaded a bunch of songs from '96, that can't be healthy either. i'm looking forward to going someplace where i won't listen to music. when i was a little kid i didn't listen to music much. i remember being on my way to infants school. my mum was driving me there in her little blue volvo and i was sitting in the back. there was a really sad song on the car radio. it wasn't that sad, it was a pop song, the i love you kind i think, and i had this urge to cry and i tried ever so hard not to but i ended up shedding a tear. i don't understand why i felt compelled to restrain myself, and now, i really wish i did cry my eyes out.

i've watched soo many simpsons episodes over the past couple of weeks, i've still got one disc to go through, but i'm saving that more desperate times. earlier this evening i bought a bunch of dvds: i, robot; the recruit, aliens vs. predator, phone booth, seen all but the last one. all were pretty good time killers.

new year's eve is coming up in a few days, no need to send a bunch of e-mails for that occasion fortunately. my brother suggested that i get a present for dad for the occasion so that i get one in return. i haven't been getting presents from my dad lately. as much as he would like to boast that he would purchase something grand for me, but somehow i make the point that whatever he has in mind just doesn't do it for me. for example if he were to suggest to buy me a car i would be really glad, but if it's a ford escort from the early 90s, then i rather walk.

i really wonder why i feel that i've got no control over my life. and it's really strange how around about this time 3 years ago, i lost it. i lost it in an amazing way. i went crazy. literally crazy, mental asylum crazy, and since that time i've been unable to resume my life. 3 years! how can i forget it. 3 years of sitting in this room of mine, doing nothing.

going back 3 years ago, i was a mess, but i was a student in the uk, preparing myself to study maths in a really good university. and then within a week i messed it beyond repair. i lost my mind and destroyed myself. destroyed it all. i did my best to destroy it. when i walked around in lebanon, one of the places that i visited during that week, i felt awful. I even visited the same office i did during that horrible week. maybe i spoke to that same lady. the phrase digging out the past comes to mind.

i wish there was something tying me down, but there isn't. if there was something tying me down, i wish i knew what it was. all i've done ever since i've graduated from high school has amounted to nothing. i've got an empty cv. i've lived in iraq and lebanon for a total of 10 years. and I can't read the bloody newspaper. i guess this suggests that i need a plan to stick to. ideas of getting a deadly job sounds attractive. maybe i can pin something up in the british consulate. it's not like i haven't thought about all this before.

time to look at some pics of naked ladies, and then watch phone booth.

One Month Later

I went to Lebanon last month for a week. It was a horrible trip. I went there to apply for re-admission at my old uni. And today I got the reply. I got rejected. I was relying on pity to get me in. It really was a horrible trip.

Well maybe it's about time I give up on the idea of going to university.

I've started to do a little weight lifting. I had cut down on my smoking too to one pack a day. But a couple of days with the boys and I think I messed that up.

I've been popping paroxetine for the past few days too. That trip to Lebanon had brought me down. And already I think the effects of the pills are wearing off. Damn pills don't work.

As soon as I arrived, I took the piss out of Nahida and then she made reference to my mum. She's been trying not to talk to me for a few days, but she's growing weak, and will be doing all the things she's used to doing for me.

Tania left to Lebanon a day before I got back from Lebanon. Good for her, she's gone for good, on her way to Cyprus. Damn cunt, owes Nahida 200 bucks. Of which I was relying on paying for my internet monthly rate. Fortunately, when I called the ISP up to tell them that I can't afford this month's internet they said I could have it for free... hehehe.