I did it, I'm back home in the UK. Well maybe not exactly home. But home is so hard to define.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Just waiting for the electricity to come back so I can start packing.
Nahida finally made me chickpea sauce with rice using the right kind of meat. The butcher calls the meat: steak cubes. And they taste soo much better than minced beef. I've been trying to get her to cook me this stuff since my mum came to visit.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Oh shit, there's a huge mofo of a cockroach romaing the floor. Being the wuss that I am, I'm going to have to call in someone to handle it. Looks like it ran into the kitchen. I'll just not go into the kitchen, but that's where the booze is.
Well just a couple days more and I'll be on my way to the UK. I'll be taking a car ride up to the north and hitching a plane from there. I'm a bit worried about that car ride, it's going to pass through some rough regions. Not fearing for my life, but just my laptop. I wouldn't want my laptop getting stolen. Wouldn't it be cool to ask them for a photo together while they're stealing my money and laptop.
I found out that I passed college today. Which is great news since it means I won't have to back early to sit for re-tests. I continue to wonder how Baghdad would be upon my return.
Fozzy came back from the farm today. And told me of the funniest stuff. There's a new cult in the mid-Euphrates area, that's bent on increasing social corruption to summon the 'waiting Mahdi' who'll usher in judgement day. And there's been a case of two highschool boys raping one of their friends. The third told his parents and it's become a tribal issue that my cousin, the tribe's sheikh, is having to deal with.
The question is now do I pour myself some whiskey despite of the heat and lack of ice or not?
Monday, June 19, 2006
There's a lost feeling in every one of us isn't there? A little something that yearns to come back to the place it came from. And how I wish I could grab it, to re-aquaint myself with it. To learn what it is that I had lost. The little things that just got away, slipped out of my hands and got lost like particles in a rushing stream of water.
I get the impression that there are parts of me that I've left behind me. Parts that might of taken another route through the parallel dimensions in which co-exist. I feel incomplete. I think of trying to remember the person that I was, to reach out at the person that I was so that I might pull and drag that person to the present.
I'd ask that person to take a look around at how the world has become for myself and the world itself. I'd want it to tell me it's reaction to it all. Maybe it'd share the blame, maybe it wouldn't. Would it make a difference?
I could've seen the world anyway I'd chosen. But I chose to see the world as such, whether by consicous choice or by the composition of who I am. Do I dare take my own will into my own hands? I don't believe so. I've let the random possess me. And the random has led me to even more improbable realities.
My treads and stumbles have led me to a show of the worst turn of events. Yet it could be worst. But yet I keep keep my eyes shut and so I continue to stumble. With my eyes closed I hope to see something beyond that which is under my nose and in my face. And I don't know if there's anything there to see in the darkness that I've created for myself. I progessively detach myself from the corporeal world and even of my own self, I turn blank. Everyday I shoot blanks in my head.
And I kiss myself to sleep every night. My nights are without dreams. If once I was connected to an astral plain, I know that I've lost that too. My mind now works in loops of the lowest common denominator and so my soul has forsaken my mind. But I dream that my soul could someday take me over someday. But I know not how it would lead to that or what to expect should it happen.
But dreams are something to live for and not something to realise. For what would be the point of life after one has fulfilled one's own dream?
Saturday, June 17, 2006
I've lost the Essence of Sausage a long time ago. The Essence of Sausage a wisdom of yore. Unfortunately I forgot the whole mechanism of the philosophy. Surely if I could remember it, I wouldn't be in the fix I'm in now.
Now if only I could grab just a tenth of the mind that I had 10 years ago. I was a smart person with issues back then, now I'm a burnout with issues.
The noise of the generator upstairs is drilling through my skull. I hope they haven't got it on for my sake. Feeling lethargic.
I'm supposed to leave soon, but I don't know what day I'm flying out. I have to wait for Fozzy to show up to hand me and explain me some accounts and cost calculations so that I can then pass them onto my dad. I'm pretty sure I can do the handling. The understanding I believe is a hopeless case, but I'll try. I hate the farm.
I thought I was going to be pressed for time to sort my things out prior to my departure. I had designs to clean my sort my stuff too. I'm not feeling pressed at all and those designs they can wait till next year. I got lots of things to do on Sunday. I need to go see a dentist to clean up my cigarette and tea stained teeth.
Maybe it's the heat getting to me. I don't know but something in my head feels wrong. I just can't put my finger on it and it's wrecking my nerves. It's like I'm feeling symptoms of depression but I don't feel depressed. I'll admit one thing: I've got a disturbing urge to wank these days.
Or maybe I'm feeling a lack of purpose since college is over for the summer. It's times like these the thoughts about how much of a failure I am are more prone to arise in my head. Might need to develop a new counter thought pattern against that.
If there's one thing I know that won't be disappointing when I get home in the UK, it would be a good night's sleep. A temperate climate, a comfortable bed, an open window and the sound of wind blowing through the trees. I just need to omit the image of a joint in that picture. I wonder how long I'll be able to control myself against smoking a joint when I get there and who'll be the one to pass it to me? A friend or a stranger?
And I forgot to get some herbal tea from the shops again today. Ah well it's off to bed again after another another inconclusive day.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Been out of a soap for a week. A couple days ago I finally went out to get some and the cashier forgot to sac it. Couldn't be bothered to back to the shop till today (and it's only a 10 minute walk away). The cashier had my soap set aside and handed it to me. I can now look forward to putting an end to the strong odour emanating from my balls sack. But my laziness came at : I've got an acme excreting lump on the inside of my thigh.
I had one of these a couple of years ago. It would come and subside and reappear in a new place. So I eventually decided I need some medical help. Fozzy (Nahida's husband) recommended a doctor he knew, so we went to him. But the doctor was abroad and his apprentice was in charge. I was well eager to put an end to the zit that had made walking difficult. The young doctor gave me two options: antibiotics or a little on the spot surgery. I chose the on the spot surgery. And oh my gosh did that hurt.
He injected the area with painkillers but they weren't that effective cause it still hurt when he start cutting up my thigh and then squeezed everything out and it seemed to me that he was carving out the flesh out. But it put an end to it.
I don't really know why I told that story. Yeah well it's there now.
I'm extremely bored these days. So bored I actually enjoyed visiting my aunt for lunch. I got my missing handout from Sav today. My mum wanted some money and some papers from some relative of hers. I went to visit them and ended up with no money or papers but I stuck around and just chatted with them.
I'm not in the mood of using my anti-boredom activities. Don't know why. I've got so many little activities I could do at home. I'm not feeling myself these days. I don't know what's up with me.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Going to save the beer for another time and I think the time is ripe for some whiskey.
From time to time I do like to have fun with a post. Ofcourse the inspiration ain't so always readily available. My balls stink, but that's not inspirational enough. I think I've gone into social destructive mode. I'm acting really pissy towards alot of people these days. My stomach in turn got pissy with me when I fed it noodles. How dare you feed me such cheap food it cried at me. There's no love put into food that takes 3 minutes to cook that's for sure.
So I'm planning to leave to the UK and come back sometime in October. It'll be the longest stretch of time that I've been away from Iraq since 2002. Which makes me wonder what Baghdad will be like in 3 months time. I remember leaving for just a month and returning suprised to find the city a ghost town on my arrival around 9 in the evening. People that don't know me so well find it hard to believe that I will be coming back. I sincerely hope that I do come back.
I wonder if my psoriasis will flare up in the UK. I wonder if I'll start smoking copious amounts of ganja which I hope I don't. I wouldn't mind doing some ecstasy or maybe even LSD, mushrooms would be a treat (I've never tried those).
But I really want to get creative with this post. Posting has become such a routine task it's harder and harder to get creative. I don't even bother to mention alot of the funky things I see anymore. Like a couple of days ago I saw a cab driver try to run over a traffic warden who then chased him down the street firing rounds in the sky. If I were that traffic warden I would've shot at the car. But there were probably innocent passengers in the car. I always regret my inaction in such situations. I could've got the traffic warden in my car and helped chase the cab driver. That would've been fun but could've led to damage to my pile of junk car.
But mentioning stuff like that isn't being creative. Now that post about alcohol being lawfully banned and the social changes that it could ensue, that was kind of fun.
Need to go pour myself another drink.
Something cool happened today. I played a note on my guitar and it reminded me of the first note of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper song. It turned out to be an E and the song was was 'Otherside'. A song which I remember watching that video alot when I was in Lebanon sitting in that internet cafe where Remy and Logan had befriended the chick that worked there. We'd spend our days there using the internet for free and had control of the remote control.
I've given up on getting creative, this is just turning out to be a nostalgic post. But this is a good time to look back at the past year. Since this is of sorts the end of a little chapter of my life.
Have I changed much during the past year? I think I've become alot more stable mentally. And my Arabic has improved immensely at the cost of my English. I've gained the respect of the natives at college, something which I hadn't achieved in the first year.
I drink whiskey too fast, need to pour myself another. And no I'm not an alcholic. There just happens to be any bars here for me to meet up with a bunch of guys and girls.
I had Nahida turn off the generator. I hope the power comes back before I run out of charge.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
I'm pretty bored right now. The house is awfully quiet since Angus and Sav have left. The effect of the 3 beers I've drunk during the early evening is wearing off. Now looks like a good time to go to sleep. What a lousy day. I didn't get much of tidying up done today. But I did get a bit done. Other than that it was a wasted day. And I wasted 5 bucks calling Dina. 5 bucks! What a waste! Avoiding mistakes is pretty hard when drunk.
Just a couple minutes ago I was thinking to myself that today wasn't too hot and that I could maybe go to sleep without any airconditioning, and now I'm sweating.
I wonder if I should try getting some fuel tomorrow. Do I really need to bother? I could do without it. And I need to go return that bleeding wireless router. I really ought to go get fuel. Angus told me there's a petrol station in his neighbourhood that has a short queue cause it's priced at 300 Dinars a litre. I'd go there but I've got no clue where exactly it is, nor do I have any bearings when I'm in that neighbourhood.
I feel sick. I'm regretting drinking those beers now. I feel like poo poo right now. Tired, slightly nauseous, sweaty, and just well pissy.
So much for travelling light, my family in the UK is asking me to bring them all sorts of stuff. What's up with that? I'd of thought that there was nothing worth bringing from Iraq, but these folk can't stop thinking of things. The things they're asking me for is getting ridiculous. The latest is kurdish costumes for my nephews. We're not Kurdish for crying out loud! And they tell me not to bring anything of my own. I'm still going to have to bring an extra suit case to carry all the stuff they ask for.
When I was living abroad the only thing that I'd ask for from Iraq was date syrup and tahina (sesame seed puree or something of the sort). They better not make a habit of this or even better I should make it a habit to not visit them. I was considering visiting K in London instead of visiting them in the UK. But now I'm bogged down with this super-sized suitcase full of junk. The idea of saying the luggage got lost is so tempting.
Damn electricity came from 10 PM to 11 PM and didn't get enough time to charge the laptop. How gay is that!
Just had that dreaded conversation with Suzy over the phone. And so finally got the answer got the answer to what our relationship is, but it had a Pandora's box kind of effect. It's both our fault that we've avoided the matter for so long. So I don't love her but consider her a great friend, she on the other hand actually did grow attached to me.
Now this wouldn't be much of a problem in a normal world and it isn't really a problem for me. But the deal is that everybody thinks that we're boyfriend/girlfriend. And when we stop hanging out together next year, it's going to have negative repercussions on her. People might say that I duped her. Oh and she's been telling her close friends that she loves, and now that I think about it, why hasn't she told me.
She did once send me a SMS message that said something like "100% complete, you're fully loaded onto my heart". The day after she sent it, she asked me what I thought of it, and I told her it was sweet.
I just called her Sandy and asked her to check up on Suzy. Sandy is her best-friend.
I really fucked up the conversation with Suzy at the end. She was still laughing until very close to the end. She says she's going to think about whether we can be friends next year and that she'll give me an answer next time we talk.
The most pointless purchase in Iraq would be a mains powered alarm clock.
Started gathering all my notes to find that I left the risk management handout in one of the guy's cars. Called Angus who told me it was in Sav's car. Which should be right. I hope it's still there. It would be really awful if I failed the course and not have my highlighted handbook with my little translations scribled in the margins.
As I was waking up today, I caught myself revising some material in my head. I'm hating the knowledge that I'm leaving in a few days and that I've got to tidy up my stuff before I go. I ought to try and visit my aunt on Friday. I promised that I'll continue visiting her after my mum left and I didn't probably not even once. And she only lives 5 minutes away from me.
Yesterday I bought the Linksys wireless router WRT54-G. They didn't have any in stock, but I took one that was returned because it didn't work. I'll have to take it back, because it didn't work with me either. And it turned out to be version 5 and not version 3 (which is the cool one).
I really need to tidy up this mess in front of me.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Woohoo! I'm done with my finals, and my life is productive again. I got a bunch of things done today and I'm knackered. Glad the exams are over. I'm getting closer to leaving. On one hand I'm looking forward to leaving Baghdad, on the other I'm dreading going to the UK. I hate travelling and I hate adapting to new environments. One would think I'm good at it, but I'm not.
My body is aching, I need to crawl into bed, dream some dreams, and rest my knees.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Been meaning to mention this for days... Know how your skin wrinkles up when you go to the pool. It usually doesn't happen to me when I take a shower, well even if it did I didn't really notice. I remember it happening when I was a little kid. But anyway, I'm drifting off the subject... The last couple of times I took a shower, the wrinkly thing happened, but it was so painful. The big wrinkles on the inside of my palm were burning up. I thought there was something wrong with me and then forgot about it. But then Angus mentioned it happening to him. And then another friend of mine who lives in a different neighbourhood passed by yesterday and mentioned it happening to him, he also mentioned that the water felt oily (I didn't notice the oily thing myself).