Wine from a Tea Pot

Woke up with a slight sore throat. Must have not covered myself well last night as well as smoked too much. Yesterday, was my birthday.

After a morning going round the local offices with my dad to distribute gifts, Nahida popped out the cake she had prepared the night before. Dad remarked by the time he was twenty-eight he was already into his second marriage.

From there I drove back to Baghdad, bought some wine and went over to my ex-neighbour's place. Another friend from school showed up a little later and we went out for dinner where we were served wine in cups out of a tea pot!

Clarification on a Point in Previous Post

In my last post I started off with:

How do these people tolerate their miserable lives in this country? Why does it feel like I'm the only one who is so unhappy with things and in other words why can't I find myself a normal girl to sleep with. It's not just that really, but then again it might be just that.

But to clarify, what it is that bothers me is that people men and women don't socialize in public. It's alright for a guy and a girl to phone each other now that there's no risk of any of the parents picking up the phone or chat on the internet. As long as it's out of sight of the judging eye of society.

Why is it that if people see a guy and a girl out together that they have to come to the conclusion that they're dating. It would be nice if I could someday go to a classmate's house, say hi to her parents and go have some lunch or dinner.

What I'm trying to get to is why can't guys hang out with girls just like guys hang out with guys. If a guy sleeps over at another's house it doesn't mean they're going to bum fuck each other, so why shouldn't it be the same when a girl sleeps over. That is an extreme analogy, but it gets to the point.

I don't think it's just society and its judgmental attitude that's to blame. The guys and the girls are to blame too somehow. Guys here in general have a disrespectful attitude towards girls. Girls on the other hand think of themselves as so precious. So precious, that she would only go out with a guy if she was indeed on a date with him, which ultimately supports society's view of a guy and a girl out together.

In the end, you end up with two halves of society that don't take the chance to get to know each other so that they may respect each other on a personal level and not necessarily thing of each other as something to sleep with or marry.

Since I'm a guy, I should defend my camp. It's so hard to have a personal relationship with a girl that when one does finally get to do so with a girl, that girl gets the focus of his urge to procreate. As for the girls, I'd like to see them explain themselves without blaming us guys.

The Things That Bother Me With My Life

How do these people tolerate their miserable lives in this country? Why does it feel like I'm the only one who is so unhappy with things and in other words why can't I find myself a normal girl to sleep with. It's not just that really, but then again it might be just that.

My dad's coming in just a few more days. I'm very angry and I'm going to direct most of it at him. Usually he's the one that gets angry at me, but I've got so much anger piled up that I'm not even going to give him the chance to have a go at me. I'll admit there's only myself to blame for letting my life lead me to where I am.

I've never felt so much anger within me. Except for a certain time and that was because I was drugged up. Anger can be utilized as a good motivator.

Ever smelled the wonderful scent of a dead rat? It is horrible! It's worse than the smell of a few days old corpse. That's what the kitchen and the corridor here at my place at the plantation smells of right now. I'm surprised the smell is never followed by that of vomit. That smell is like a bad memory, I mean just remembering it smells bad.

I'm also angry at the government. They make my job so much harder because of their incompetence and bureaucracy and their idiotic methods to stifle fraud. Every single farmer as well as I feel that the government is trying its best to make things harder on us.

For example today, I had to go through about eleven people to get a government document permitting me to purchase new wheat seeds from a mixed sector seed company.

Will continue this later...maybe

Don't Like Sleeping Pills

Spoke to dad today, just to ask him about his visit's itinerary (he's coming next week). I haven't been speaking to him ever since the wheat harvest. Last month, I spoke to him twice both times ending with me getting very angry and hanging up in his face. Whilst discussing collecting rent for our storage rooms my dad pointed out that our financial status isn't good. This coming from a man that's spent his life saving pennies to accumulate a lump of savings with he prides himself.

The truth is that since I'm in a position to be well aware of what our finances look like. We didn't ride any post-war gravy train like most people. My dad kept doing things like he knows how, making sure he's got a good rate on his saving's account. But the last year or so has been bad. The mill was a failure and he had bought some property in the nineties that it now turns out were sold with forged documents and upon which we had built and another part of sold.

My father's very old and it must be very disappointing for him to see his fortune just slip away towards the twilight of his life. It does however seem that he's taking it quite well. My brother told me he's going to go on a cruise in the Caribbean and to not say he told me. I do feel I have reason to be pissed off at my father for that, considering I had an argument with him the last time he came when I asked for a vacation in Europe and he told me that all we could afford for me was a two-week vacation in a cheap hotel in Lebanon or some other neighbouring country. Then again, it's his money and he's entitled to do whatever he wishes with it.

All my life I've more or less followed what my dad told me to do, except for the many years which I spent getting high at university abroad and he's been covering all my expenses for most of my life and the past year hasn't been an exception. But after working for over a year on the plantation, I've pocketed nothing yet except the nice car he gave me as a 'graduation present' but more for the sake of helping me do my work. If it was up to me, I'd charge the car on the plantation. Actually, that's a good idea. But now my dad's ship is sinking, I think it's time for me to jump off.

I'm going to have to try to have a proper sit down with him and hope he takes me seriously for a change. He should also be aware that I'm ready to start taking care of myself and should have some idea of what he can offer me. I do however, want to clear out a lot of nonsense between us, layout a new framework for our relationship and discuss with him the way I perceive things.

Tomorrow I want to go visit a bunch of government offices, it's past three in the morning now and I haven't slept yet. This is very annoying.

It's Complicated, Lots of Factors into Play

Earlier I took a Ritalin pill and smoked the last of my hash. My stash ran out a long time ago, but Od's been passing me bits from his share. How long has it been since I've started smoking up regularly again? Maybe six to nine months. I didn't think I'd stay smoking for this long. I wonder if it's affecting me and my life negatively. Maybe it's been good, maybe I needed it. My life has become a great deal more stressful since I graduated from college during which I didn't smoke up. Over the past few months, I've been to a urologist, a dermatologist and a guy dressed up as a cleric that does hijama (blood letting using a vacuum technique), and they all told me I need to chill out.

The plantation's doing well. I'm a bit behind on the accounts which is holding me back from focusing on doing some fixes. One of my two guards who is also a farmer on the lands (and not a good one at that) walked into the living room today with the biggest and stupidest smile. In his hand he was carrying a black plastic bag with some long green leaves sticking out. He pulled out the leaves to display the stalks of rice loaded with grains he picked on his way to show them to me. I guess that it's a very good sign when such stalks of rice appear so early.

I just had a farm idea. And I've jotted it down so I could carry it out later. Just to give an example of what my work is sometimes like I'm going to explain it. First off, we have irrigation canals, which weeds can clog. Therefore during the water intensive rice season we need to keep cleaning the weeds out of the canals. Previously on my plantation, it is expected that each farmer cleans the canals that are adjacent to his plot. My farmers however, don't. So I end up paying for workers to come and do it and then when harvest time comes I'll take grain from the farmer's share in compensation. There are however, segments of the canals that are not adjacent to the plots of any farmers and previously we've paying the bill for those segments ourselves without any compensation from the farmers. This year however, my cousin the local tribal sheikh said that the farmers should bear the cost of these segments too.

Today, I was sitting with the guys that do the cleaning to help me distribute accordingly, the costs of all the irrigation canals on the farmer's list on my super duper excel worksheet. And it has just occurred to me, that I've had to distribute the cost of a long segment of canal cleaning to a relatively small handful of farmers in one area that aren't doing so well (some of them are lousy farmers and their new water pump got installed late). I'm thinking it's not very fair on them to pay so much, so what the new 'farm idea' is to make them pay no more than the highest average for any other area and I'll accept to pay the remainder. I just need to see how the numbers look when I get around to it.

Anyway, I'm fed up with the plantation. I've been spending so much time scheming lately on ways to get out of here. It's like my own little quagmire and I need to work on my exit strategy. I need to get this plantation performing properly as well as give my life a new direction all of which seems unfathomably complicated right now.