I'm Not Hungry Anymore

Ten days since my last post is why I'm posting. I'm not in a talkative mood these days. I'm feeling more burnt-out than usual for no apparent reason. Sitting in some of my classes, I'm wondering why I'm not making sense of what the lecturer is saying.

At home, I've made Nahida understand that I don't want to hear her voice. She talks so loud and once she starts it feels las if she'll never stop. I've got such a hard time understanding her a lot of the time because she beats around the bush and she over uses pronouns. Now if only I could block off the sound of her voice coming from upstairs.

Last Sunday, I got my midyear exam results. I've failed four out of eight subjects. I was more or less expecting that. At least I know which subjects I've got to focus on now. Today I began reading some material. It might be the first time I actually get home and read something. I'm usually too tired by the time I get home. But today I felt pretty good. I had a good night's sleep last night, I had lunch with some classmates after class and I came home by cab.

Yesterday, I went to see one of my lecturers to talk to him about how I could improve my average. This lecturer belongs to another department at the university and I got told off by his head of department when he, the head of department, saw me with my shirt untucked and unbuttoned. And somehow he made it a safety issue. That I could be targeted for not tucking in my shirt. That's ridiculous I say. But I then tucked in my shirt and buttoned it up and went back to the man to say I'm sorry.

Things have been picking up with Suzy after I told her that I was sexually attracted to her. She thought it was a nice thing. But now I'm regretting it because she might have understood it as saying I'm in love with her. I'm just bored and don't have any one else to flirt with. It's all really silly since we could never get a private moment. And now she's got a new habit of leaning against me in class. It looks pretty awkward.

For the past week or two I've been working hard on guitar exercises. I think I might have plateaued. I'm having trouble holding on to bar chords for more than a couple of minutes and I just can't seem to speed up my picking with my wrist.

And to demonstrate how much I don't want to hear nahida's voice, I'm not getting any dinner because that would involve me talking to her. But it feels pretty good to not have her cooking any food because for one I'm sick of the stuff she cooks for me and second of all my belly has been growing and growing for the past six months. As I was crossing the street the other day, some guy in a car told me to do some exercise because my belly was getting too big.

I wonder how long I'll be able to keep this up. Ideally I don't want it to stop. But I know I'll grow weak and I'd yell: "Shaggy's hungry!" and she'll get all happy because I would've finally submitted to my dependency towards her.