Saturday, March 19, 2005

Blanks

I've been feeling crap for the past 5 months. Most likely caused because of the reduced number of sunlight during the winter and definitely not because of the situation in Iraq (the things that have to be added for the viewers). It gets me down when someone asks me what I'm doing with my life, am I a student or do I work. I do neither, I just sit at home and go out from time to time to shop for groceries or see a friend.

The feeling is compounded when I'm listening to some guy speak of what he's up to. Like a relative I met for the first time a couple of days ago(he says it's the second time, anyway) he's got business stuff going on in Dubai, Kuwait, Lebanon and the UK. He's got a wife and a couple of little kids. Or when my buddy gets interviewed for the hundredth time by some news corporation representing a typical young iraqi citizen. I don't envy the dude, if anything I'm happy for him.

About 4 years ago, life was going pretty well for me, although doomed it was heading in the right direction. I was beginning a new life for me in the UK, living with my mother, working with my brother and studying at college to get into uni. Then something happened, I lost my mind. And 1 or 2 months later I come out of my state of delirium and find myself in Iraq. I had lost my way. And everyday since, I curse at the events that led up to that point. I try not to blame anybody for my misfortune, knowing that that won't resolve anything. A lesson learnt: the lives we create for ourselves are very fragile.

But 4 years have passed since then and I've yet to pick up the pieces of my life and put it back together. I took IT courses once for a couple of weeks and then gave that up. Had I continued maybe I could've put those skills to work. I went to uni here in Baghdad last year and passed the first year of Busi Admin. This year, however, I postponed and I'm not looking forward to returning to it. My number 1 obstacle of getting a job here is my difficulty with arabic.

People that I meet get the impression that I'm intelligent. I don't believe they realize that alot of the time I don't understand what they're saying. At age 16 I remember being able to pick up new skills and learning things without even trying. Now, I can't get my head round chapter 2. I always understand chapter 1 though. Maybe it's because by the time I reach chapter 2 I lose interest or I keep getting beginner's luck. I'm not a disciplined person either and even less so than I was. I remember when I was 14 I was much more capable of monitoring my spending than I do now (I also had a bigger budget), I was also able to wake up for school everyday on my own.

I see myself getting older, deteriorating perpetually along with everything around me.

Everybody I meet tells me to start doing something or to get married. I personally think that I should get my act together before I get married. They explain to me that I should just do something I find interesting or good at. I don't find anything excitingly appealing. I'm just a mediocre person, jack of some trades - master of none kind of person.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Shaggy, you're great!

No, really.

Keep writing. Do little things to keep yourself from getting bored. Keep writing. Anything.

It's interesting for us.

You're good, you know. Really.

Be careful. Stay safe. You're very young. Some day you'll just naturally move from Chapter 1 to Chapter 2.

Take care,
Tilli (Mojave Desert)

PS -- This from a 50 year-old woman with a Voice of Experience here!

Andy said...

There's nothing wrong with being a lifelong dilettante...

Learn everything there is to learn.

Figure out what your purpose in the world is, what task did God create you specifically to fill?

You could ask Him to give you guidance...

Anonymous said...

Dear Shaggy,
It sounds to me as if you are suffering from a low level depression. I went though that several years ago when my love life,work life and relations with my kids all hit the fan. The doctor didn't want to put me on medication ("only masks the problem" he said)and so he took me off of all caffine. ("if you can't force yourself to go to a gym or for a walk,at least do jumping jacks in your living room" he told me.) It took a couple of months, but it finally began to work. I slowly started to take an interest in life again. I started to care how I looked, took an interest in others and in life outside my own brain. Try it. Hey, it might help.

Peacepup said...

Shaggy, "Anonymous" is from me. I live in Denver,CO,US. By the way, the doctor took me off of caffine because it is a depressant like alcohol. Good luck.