I Lost Game Cease-Fire Broken

Yesterday Kasofa broke the truce followed by prompt retaliation from Shaggy and further counter retaliations from both sides. Talks are now in progress to re-establish the cease-fire. To find out more click here.

In other news, Saddam got killed.

The clip they showed on the tellie was so freaking dodgy. And the moon landing didn't happen either. I was telling my aunt, who I played the driver for today too, that they're not showing Saddam actually getting hanged and that we can't even see the faces of the executioners or the presence of any officials. I went to the club, got my official receipt for joining, handed in the passport pictures, was supposed to come back after an hour but didn't to pick up the membership cards. By the time I did come back to pick up the IDs the offices were closed.

Last night I finished reading the nine page human resource management handout that I've been trying to read for the past week. But I've still got to dig out all the words I didn't understand from the dictionary and try to really understand what it was that I read. I did move on to do some homework for another subject. Got 20 percent of that done. I'm so far behind schedule. And no I didn't make a study schedule yet.

I spoke to Suzy a couple of nights ago I think. I had that talk with her about how I felt. I learnt that I'm not her 'first love' as I had assumed and that she's not expecting to ever marry me thus falsifying another assumption of mine. It finally seemed to me that the conditions are set for a romantic relationship without the marriage clause. So I ask her what she thought about us getting together. And she got to asking what that would mean. I said that it wouldn't change much and I'd start pinching her bum and say "I love you"s. And here's the hitch, I really don't have any feelings for her and I tell her so. And in all honesty she's not hot or interesting enough. She said that she'll think about it.

Just before I started writing the post Nahida's bro called me up to the roof to show me the heavy smoke from an explosion, I took a picture of it, but it really isn't that impressive in my opinion. Just now he came to the staircase to raise my attention to the mortar rounds blowing up in succession, I followed him up to the roof but by the time we got up there it stopped. He pointed out another cloud of black smoke rising in the opposite direction of previous one. He says that the retaliation for Saddam' execution will take place tonight. I don't imagine hearing much about that tomorrow.

Breaking news: the truce is back on. Which as explained by Kasofa requires that the truce itself be not mentioned. So you the reader and I have just lost right now, but it stops here.

My Feet Are Cold

My feet are cold. It's chronic. Everywhere else I'm fine. It's just my feet. My socks get moist and my feet get colder. It's not right.

Tea is cold too. If it was room temperature it'd be okay, but it's verging on icy. Tea gets cold so fast during winter. It's not right either.

Today my aunt got me fast-tracked (wassta) into a membership at a social club. Something I've wanted for years. One technicality that I think got in my way before is that my parents are divorced. I must say it's a bit late since all the friends I had that were members have already ditched the country and Nahida says it's full of dodgy people now. In any case it's good to have in case things ever get better.

When I called my dad up yesterday to check if he'd accept paying the joining fee, the price I had to pay was admit that my summer in the UK was shite and that I wouldn't want to repeat it next summer and what sucks is that I've got a return ticket. My dad's so frugal. But I did emphasise that I still expect to get a vacation to some place else.

My dad also lectured me about how much of a user-abuser kind of person my aunt is. I realise that but fortunately for me I've at times been a user-abuser myself. So as long as there's a mutual exchange going on it's all good. Lately I've been my aunt's personal driver. So far it's just been for the sake of going to see or fetch my senile grandma (spending time with grandma is something I ought to do anyway). But today, after she got me the membership I came back home and she called so that I take her to the shops to do some groceries.

The other thing she's done for me is lend me one of her mobile phones since I still haven't replaced the one I lost. I'm having friends volunteer to scour my favourite phone for me since it's no longer in the market. India called me today and told me he found one yesterday in Bab-AlShargi. But Nahida also spoke to my dad yesterday, and she convinced him to give me three-hundred bucks to splash on a new mobile phone. After being tempted to get a Motorola Razr since Nokia's have become crazily over-sized, I'm settling on a Sony-Ericsson. Yet to see if I can afford the model I've got my mind on. And I hope I get used to those damn annoying buttons.

This year's New Year's eve party isn't going to happen for me. There was the thought of going up to Kurdistan and spending it with my cousins but it seemed to much trouble for its worth. To fly there and back would cost 150 bucks I think, and the cab rides to and from the airport in Baghdad would cost 80 bucks. And going by car is just too dangerous with Saddam soon to be executed.

So my plan is to just have a normal night. I'm even telling my mates not to come to mine. I don't want a cockfest at my house on New Year's eve. We'd just stare at each other and bitch about how shitty are lives have become. I'm not even planning any booze either.

I've given up trying to understand the politics that are going on in the country. It's just too much shit to stress about, better leave it for the others to deal with. It reached a climax for me when my aunt was telling me that it's the Sunnis that are attacking the Shiites in Al-Hurria and not the other way around as I mentioned a couple of posts ago. But I have to add that my aunt also denies that the Shiite 'death squads' exist.

I was taking it for granted that what was going on here was a one-sided affair. But I'm not so sure any more. It seems that there are others that are seeing things from the other end and they've come up with their own way of looking at things.

I'm spending way too much time looking at porn sites these days. So much so that they've lost their effect. I just want to see women, I don't want to forget what they look like. It's so pathetic.

I'm not getting any studying done. I think I ought to try and meet up with one of my classmates to try to collect some motivation. I still got one week. I don't expect to do to well in my first round of tests, but must put some more effort. Let's see I'm at page 7 of 9 of the first handout that I began reading at the beginning of the week. And that's just the first pass. I'm not understanding any of it. I haven't gone through the process of digging out the odd words (which is one per line) out of the dictionary.

Starting tomorrow, I'm building a schedule. And I'm going to get some studying done. Tomorrow's good since I won't be driving my aunt around.

Last Of My Bottle Of Teacher's

Just got off the phone with Suzy. The phone registry says the call was nearly an hour long. What's different this time was that she was the one to call me. There's was an opening to talk to dirty. When talking about New Year's (which I've decided to ignore this year) I mentioned how back in Lebanon we'd get in a group of guys and girls and have booze and drugs, and that we'd have a good time and thinking to myself I thought I'd of had a better time if I didn't always puke my guts out before midnight. She quickly asked me if I take drugs. I told her I did and she asked me how it felt. I mentioned the giggles and the munchies and the dead-brain effect the following day. She said she wanted to try it once, even after I told her that it wrecked my life. She wanted to know more about me and the 'drug' thing, but I told her that I didn't like opening up to that subject since it's behind me and she tried to refrain from asking more. One thing I did try to make clear was that I appeared to people as a stoner even before I started smoking up.

Dealing with Suzy is troublesome. She's got some puppy love for me now. That first-love kind of love. And I don't love her. The trouble is that it's so damn tempting to take advantage of it. She's not gorgeous, but hell I'm desperate enough and I'm so tempted. A bit of feely-touchy during school would be more than welcome if it didn't have such strong emotions on her side to deal with. On one hand I'm pressured to be close to her since we did become friends throughout last year and especially since her best-friend Sandy left a couple of weeks ago. It makes for a funny juggle between our friendship, her love for me, and my perverted and unaffectionate impulse to feel her up. I ought to try to talk to her frankly about it.

Had an argument with India when he told me that Sadr's alliance with the big Shiite alliance has been broken. I was drunk at the time. But my point was that it wouldn't make any difference on what was going on the ground and India was saying that something will happen but that he didn't know what. It's just weird how I was just angrily protesting at such an alliance in my before-last post. But al-Sadr's militia isn't the only one, it's just that it's the least discreet.

What the Brits did at that police station in Basra today was a good thing, and it ticks me off that some officials have the audacity to criticize them for it. I wish we could some more of the same being done by the Americans elsewhere.

Nahida's been pissed off at me up until today, but I think she's finally thawing.

This holiday's been good to me. I'm well chilled out now unlike how I was just before it started. Now that I'm at home without the need to go to uni and have to go through the ordeal of getting there, there's much less stuff to stress me out.

I do need to get studying. I've spent the past couple of days reading four pages of a handout. Well it's a start. I've memorized the definition of Human Resource Management so far. That's bound to come up on the test that I've got coming up two weeks time. But I really need to pick up the pace.

Porn sites are so unfair. The bleeding reminder of what lays beyond the borders of this god-forsaken country. And now I'm out of booze too bugger! And I would be complaining about the lack of weed if I was Od, but I've had my share of weed at the expense of pussy. I regret not getting some from the UK for the poor guy. I think I could've pulled it off, but India put it in my head that there were sniffer dogs at the airport and I didn't imagine Nahida's sister who works at the airport would whisk me through all the security controls.

There are prostitutes still working here. But I'm too pussy shit to deal with them. And they're freaking expensive. And I'm incapable of saving a penny. I really ought to try to start saving money. Okay how about setting a target? I could easily put aside ten thousand dinars a day on the days I go to college without anyone noticing. So that would come up to approximately a hundred bucks a month. Which isn't bad at all. I think a hundred bucks could get me one fine whore for one night. So if I save for two months I could get two whores for one night that Sida went on and on about what a great experience it was to do. But I'm still pussy shit to get whores on my own.

Suzy called again just to tell me that she's going to sleep now. I don't know why she feels compelled to do so. But in any case I'm out of booze now (drank the last sip) and I'm not quite sleepy yet. I've decided to change my cheap whiskey choice now: Teacher's is way better than the Grant's I used to buy and it's only a couple thousand dinars more.

Oh and Merry Christmas :) Had I not showered today, I could've made snow by rubbing my hair.

Hoping Not To Need Any Chill Pills

Yesterday was another piss taking up day. Nahida woke me up early in the morning. She was acting crazy telling me that the cops are coming to the house. I figured they were coming to talk about Ati who got nicked yesterday. Nahida is extremely paranoid but I wouldn't want be in the house when they come either, I could flagged as a suspicious foreigner because of my fucked up Arabic or some militia guy among the cops could think I'd make a good catch after work. So she throws me some clothes to put on, she complains about my hair in which I was in no mood to deal with and she rushes me out of the house. I take a step out of the garage and take a peek to the left and see an Iraqi Army truck parked at the end of the street and wondered if it was a coincidence or if Nahida was getting senile on me again.

So I walked in the opposite direction with my grotesque out-of-bed hair (I get people telling me to tidy my hair when it is made tidy) and didn't turn back to look around. Nahida yelled out from the balcony to tell me to get some bread from the bakery. So I walked to Nahida's brother's spare car part shop. I felt like a Jew in Nazi Germany running from the Gestapo. On the way I thought how suspicious my wireless router with it's blinking lights and antennas might be thought of as insurgent/terrorist communication equipment by the idiot Iraqis that had spent their lives living in a rural farm. Or what if they take my computer? In my last blog post I bitched at the government.

During Saddam's days I once sent a passworded letter to my friends on a floppy disk with my dad. The file got confiscated by the Iraqis on the border. Rumours had reached me in Lebanon that my dad got detained because of the letter but the next day I found out that it wasn't true. When I came back to Iraq during summer break my friend told me the story of what happened afterwards.

Months later they broke the password on the Word file and the intelligence service called up my dad and my friend to come to their offices. My friend was shitting in his pants. The intelligence service translated the letter word by word into Arabic and what was a letter about listening to the Chemical Brothers (the music band) and asking about how friends were doing, turned into a letter about talks with 'the chemical brothers' (chemical weapon dealers) and inquiries about Oday (Saddam's son) and his personal body guard. After my friend explained everything, the polite agent was satisfied and considered the matter settled. The agent even told my friend that he would be very useful in the intelligence service. My friend lied and said that he would love to work as soon as he finished his studies.

So I hanged out at the spare parts shop for a while. Nahida's brother was surprised to see me. I explained to him what had happened and making reference to Nahida's paranoia and madness he rhetorically asked what would she do if they had come in the middle of the night.

Nahida's brother at the shop told me how recently Iraqi Army and US forces were going through the houses across the street from the shop. They stumbled upon one guy that spoke English. They got that guy to interpret for the Americans. After they were done, the Iraqi Army said that the guy who had been interpreting is the guy they were looking for and they took the poor guy with them. Nahida's brother mentioned that a ex-pilot of the brother of the local guy that provides the rations in the neighbourhood got killed, he explained that the government's offers to give pay to the old army's officers and to establish a dialogue with Baathists is a ruse to bring them out into the open so that they be taken out. The mentioning of the murder a pilot reminded me of India telling me that there was a murder campaign on Iraqi pilots by the Iranian backed militias for revenge for the bombings that they did in Iran during the Iraq-Iran war.

After Nahida's brother dropped me back home. Nahida clarified that it was because of the Iraqi Army and not the police that she shooed me out. She said if they were just Americans she would've kept me home so I could chat to them. She gave me a run through of all the things they looked at. She placed my laptop underneath a pile of books and was therefore unseen. She told them that my wireless router was a device for charging electricity. There were suitcases above my wardrobe, they asked what was inside of them, she told them that they were free to go through them and that there were more upstairs. She told me that the thing that got their most attention was my collected CD album to which they exclaimed at how many 'movies' I've got.

Then we went off to the police station to check up on Ati. And then we came back home because she needed to pick some cash up to give to the lawyer before she goes to the court house. She went on her own to the court house and left me at home since I was in such a nasty mood.

India showed up later with his new laptop. I was curious to see if his laptop would work on my wireless router which it did but not on one of the alternate WEP keys. So then I tried to access my wireless router through my browser but I couldn't. And then I fucked with it, I reset the device, and it stopped working. And I spent the rest of the day trying to get it to work. It finally did work after my ISP told me to change my static IP address. India is just bad luck to anybody's internet connection, it was his idea to reset the wireless router, the bastard!

Oh and I nearly forgot to mention that Nahida got Ati back that day and what a relief. He came back looking fine. They hadn't roughed him up or anything. I guess he won't be wearing those American boots any more and that he might follow Nahida's advice about where to go and not to go a bit more.

Today on the other hand, was cool. Nothing went wrong. Nahida's pissed off at me which is fine, don't have to hear her yapping so much for a while. She's been pissing me off because she's been going on and on about ideas about sending me off on a vacation all of which seem unlikely to happen, so I told her that the ideal vacation would be if she went on vacation instead and now she's not talking to me. So other than a quick trip to my uncle's to drop off some food so that he may give it to Fozzy (her husband who's managing my farm), I've spent the day lazing about at home. But I really ought to start studying, because I've got a lot of material to cover and memorize during this two week vacation and then the dreaded tests start.

I think that this run of bullshit that I've been going through these past few days is turning around and I can begin to chill out now.

Piss Take

I'm getting easily stressed out these days. Yesterday I spent a whole hour stuck in traffic trying to get through from one end to the other of my main street. In the traffic mesh some punk Kia minivan driver tried to drive into me. I rolled down my window to have and had a go at him. The thing is that I was ahead of him and he was coming at me at an angle and if I didn't have a go at him I wouldn't have had enough clearance to move forward without breaking my side view mirror.

I fuelled up the car on the way too, that took 20 minutes of my time at the most. As I was fuelling the car, the gas pump attendant asked me if I wanted more than the 'legal' ration of 50 litres at a time, I asked him if it would cost me extra. He said no, and that he was asking just because. So when the counter reached 50 litres he zeroed it and I continued to pump another 20 litres into my car. So I do the maths (70 litres X 350 dinars a litre = 24,500 dinars) of how much I owe him and him 25,000 dinars and then he bitches about only giving him a 500 dinars tip. I don't even know why the guy even deserves one, he didn't even hold the pump for me.

It took me two whole hours to get to uni, by which time I made it only to my last class. And then it took me another whole hour to get home.

Then at college, the teacher was giving a lecture and Suzy sitting next to me pointed out that the teacher was only speaking to me since everybody else was chit chatting. And their chit chatting got so loud that I couldn't hear the teacher any more. It takes the piss that it takes me two hours to get to bleeding college and not be able to listen to what the teacher has to say. Nobody in my class seems to have any interest at all to learn what's being taught for the purpose to apply it in the future.

On my way home I bought a bottle of whiskey, got home, drank fell asleep. Woke up at around one in the morning took a long shower. Felt much better.

Today was no better, I got to college late again. I must admit that I'm leaving home a bit late. I walk into class to see just the teacher there standing on his own. I asked him some questions and he gave me his photocopies so I could study some of the material I missed the previous morning. I go down to the garden, find my smiling classmates sitting in plastic chairs bathing in the sun. Bathing in their glory that they didn't attend class. Thank god these guys weren't studying medicine.

We only had one other class today and the teacher's on vacation for an operation in Jordan I think. We played a game called 'Bat'. Two teams, one team has a ring that's hidden in one of their stretched out closed palms and then the leader of the other team has to figure out which hand it's in. It's a bit like poker since to figure out who has the ring and in which hand the leader of the other team has to read the members that are hiding the ring while those that are hiding the ring are trying to suppress any tell tale signs and try to throw off the leader of the other team with even the simplest twitch of the wrist.

Way back from college was a pain, I ended up paying nearly twice the usual fare to the cab driver since he gave me the a grand tour of Baghdad to get me home. He even took me through one neighbourhood that at the end that had long been deemed 'unsafe', that me and the driver were left trying to reconcile our memories of the neighbourhood to that it was now. It was just a street and it was so peaceful, so peaceful one could hear the birds chirping. And then there were the shops that had been blown to bits too and the knowledge that nobody comes here since it was labelled dangerous.

When I got home Nahida wasn't here, instead Mo, a Sudanese guy that helps her with odd stuff such as the gardening, sat there in the garage waiting for me so could leave. Because I don't have the key to the house. He tells me that the Ati, Sudanese guy that lives with us got nabbed by the cops and Nahida had gone to go get him out. Nahida came back an hour or so later. Ati apparently was acting suspicious and was extra suspicious since he was wearing boots just like those that the Americans wear. So some dumb cops asked him for his papers, the papers didn't seem to be in order to them and him being Darfourian unable to speak in Arabic fluently couldn't explain the special circumstance that he's in, they chucked him at the local police station. Nahida tried to get him released but the cops there said that since those cops that brought him in are of a different kind they can't release him themselves.

When Nahida came back she made several calls. It seems Ati is going to be stuck there till Sunday at least since the judge in charge of this type of problem has a death in the family. Nahida saw him, and she said that he looks okay. I hope he doesn't get some over place where they might rough him up. Having been in an Iraqi jail myself, I feel for him. Knowing that you've done nothing wrong and just waiting for a fucked up bureaucracy to release you is so agonizing.

And then I read that comment by tmpName, and I realise that Nahida still hasn't given me any word on preparing my transfer papers. So I throw a long fit at her after which she gets me to hear from the secretary at the registrar's office that my transfer papers are at the ministry waiting to be processed with another 340 students from our college, all of which aren't being processed because the ministry isn't doing their job.

I've been stressed out ever since I read that first comment on my last post. And I've got to thank tmpName for responding to that, so... Thank you tmpName. But seriously what's in the past is in the past. I'm sick of the government bringing up the past to try to show themselves as the good guys. This government is in alliance with militias. Sectarian militias that are going about knocking people off and kicking them out of their homes. A couple days ago India was describing to me, how the Shiites have been leading the offensive on clearing Sunnis from their homes neighbourhood after neighbourhood.

From al-Kadhamiya they cleared they displaced the Sunnis from al-Hurria, now al-Hurria is a Shiite stronghold. Ghazaliya which was once a mixed neighbourhood, is now Sunni on one side and Shiite on the other. Al-Hurria and the Shiite half of al-Ghazaliya is now executing a campaign on hai-alAdel which has borders on both. Hai-alAdel which is now mostly Sunni, and more so since some of the Shiite homes in hai-alAdel got kicked out by Sunnis that were displaced from al-Hurria.

I ran what I just said through with the cab drivers I took today and they both told me that it was true. And the second one went so far as to point out that it was the Shiite militias that were taking the offensive while the Sunnis were trying to hold their ground.

And this government isn't trying to stop this, because they're in alliance with the punks that are taking the offensive. And then there's the governments of America and Britain showing their support for the new monster in town. It's a royal piss take.

Why I Listen To My iPod When I Take A Cab

Last night I saw a show on Arte (French-German channel), about TV in Kurdistan. According to the journalists interviewed journalists still don't have full freedom of the press. That for example they can not attack politicians directly. One explained that most of the laws that protect journalists are those put in place by Saddam, one can't imagine those gave much protection. But there was a lot of good to be said about the media in Kurdistan too. If you understand German or French here's the times of the re-runs of the show.

And if there's one thing that's odd about television if one were to assume that Iraq is now a free country, is that I've never heard anybody direct criticism at any of the politicians in power. All they do is make vague allusions to political 'drifts'. How does one categorise a democratic country with no freedom of speech?

My routine cab conversations are getting very routine. But there was an exception last week when a cab driver tried to convince my friend and me that the country is safe because people aren't killing each other for money.

There are three topics that ultimately have to be touched upon when in a cab. The first is about the checkpoints and how they just bottleneck traffic and provide no security assurances at all. And this is the one that's the most repetitive because there are many checkpoints on the way to wherever one is going and there's a long wait at each one.

Second come the convoys. I get the impression that cabs get more pissed off at Iraqi convoys than American ones. Americans make slow moving convoys that try to maintain a safety distance between the cars in front and behind them, where as Iraqis are too much in a rush are therefore chaotic and threatening. Masked men waving rifles hanging out of their vehicles, shouting and yelling to get others out of the way, sometimes shooting off rounds. It paints a picture that begs the question of how do a bunch of people waving their guns at you meant to protect you?

A lot of convoys are made of unmarked cars. And some of them travel at erratically high speeds too. The usual assumption is that these convoys are those of politicians. Many cab drivers exclaim that we don't know who they are. They could be terrorists for all we know. And then comes the conclusion that they're gangs be they officials or not, they're all gangs.

And then the third topic is safety, and like one cab driver was saying today. As much as I hate Saddam and glad that he's gone, at least he gave us safety. The politicians bicker among themselves about subjects such as federation and the allocation of ministerial posts when all the people want is safety and basic services. The politicians live their roles in the green zone disconnected from society.

Resurrect The Old PC

This weekend I finished setting up my old PC downstairs. I had forgotten that my Creative sound card doesn't work but that's alright since the motherboard has a built-in one. Upon closer inspection the wireless card can't be fixed with a bit of blu-tack. And the cheap motherboard I got doesn't have a built-in LAN socket. But I got that USB Wifi-Max thing that I got for my DS and it's connecting the PC to my router. And so, after trying to use it to hack my satellite to view encrypted channels and failed, I'm not sure what to do with it now.

I got a new SIM card, with the same number that I had. I still need to get a new mobile phone, but it seems that the phone I used to have, the trusty Nokia 1101, is no longer in supply. That phone, with it's monochrome screen and lack of features, has one saving grace: the flashlight. Oh yes, a mobile phone is always within reach, and when the power cuts off nothing could be more useful. So bullocks to phones with a 5 megapixel camera, expandable memory, Bluetooth connectivity or a great sound to listen to music with. I just want a phone with a flashlight.

Nahida wants me to turn off the generator and I need to take a dump first. I hope I don't stay up too late tonight. I was late to uni everyday last week, and many mornings passed without me taking a shower and ended up looking really messy. I think I even wore the same sweater every day for a whole week straight.

Sub Woofer Come

Ought to be doing guitar exercises right now but I'm enjoying listening to my iPod through my old Creative PC speakers that's just been brought back to life.

A week ago when I picked up my old desktop from the PC repair shop I dropped off the speakers that had stopped working a long time ago and that I paid over a hundred dollars for, so it was worth trying to get them fixed. Anyway, I used to keep the sub woofer underneath my desk. One time I was wanking and a shot of come flew onto the fabric front of the sub woofer. And I never ever cleaned it. So when I took to the repair guy he took out the speakers out of the box to make an inventory list of all the items. And as he held the sub woofer he began feeling and rubbing the come stain and he continued doing so for at least a whole minute. I had thought about cleaning the thing before taking but never made the time but I'd have never imagined someone being so drawn to the stain. It was so hard not to tell him what it was, and I didn't, I just did my best to keep a straight face.

I didn't get my phone back yet, but it should get retrieved tomorrow. It's a bit odd going out without a mobile phone. Being unable to get in touch with home if something out of the ordinary happens. When I was at evening class the teacher said that a ministry near my house got hit by a bucket load of rockets, which got me worried, but on my way home I didn't notice anything indicating that. I gave one of the guy's a ride home with me thinking if I don't have a phone, I might as well drag someone with a phone with me.

I chatted to K yesterday. He told me he was engaged. I've got the feeling that he's told me that before several times and I keep forgetting that. So I'm making a note of it here.

It's so nice having a big sound in the house again, for the longest time I've been relying on my laptop for music. I need to get a docking station for the iPod with a remote control. I wonder if they have those at Bab-AlShargi. I still haven't heard all the songs I've got on my iPod. And for some reason, I've got a ton of corrupted mp3s ever since I switched to the new iTunes. There were a few corrupted ones before, but I get the impression that there are a whole lot more ever since I switched.

Talking to a girl in my class today, she's travelled a good deal to my surprise. And she says it's not as impossible to transfer from our uni to a uni abroad as I thought it to be. She's planning to go to America as soon as she gets her visa. One thing I appreciated about her was that she took into consideration the costs of studying abroad, the one thing that nobody ever seems to do when they suggest that I ought to leave.

The more I think about leaving, the more I'm happier to be here. But the thought that life could be better abroad, that maybe I could be a better person from the inside also makes leaving more tempting. But I've faced the exact same situation before, and I chose to leave. And in retrospective I regret that choice. Travelling, re-adjusting and culture shocks are just too taxing and I'm still burnt out. Five years in Iraq and I'm still healing.

Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum

Still trying to play one note eight times fast. As in too fast for me to count as I go along and thus requiring to somehow learn the 'sound' of a note being played eight times. I think I've given up trying to understand the politics of Iraq for now.

My mobile phone dropped out of my pocket in a cab again. And I only realised when I got home. I don't know if I dropped it in the one I took on my way to uni or the one on the way back. After I dropped my phone last time in a cab I made it a habit to turn on the PIN request when powering on option because that time the cab driver turned off my phone and must've kept it for himself. But I stopped doing so during the summer. Fortunately this time I think I was lucky enough to get a cab driver that did answer when Nahida's sister called it. She's supposed to get the phone back off of him as a precaution. Nahida doesn't want a stranger to get to know too much about me. And I don't mind bearing through Nahida's paranoia this time since it involves me doing less.

My guitar teacher told me that I must stop biting my right hand nails. I think I've avoided doing so today. I'm just unsure whether I might have done so absent mindedly. I wonder how long I can last without biting my nails. So far I'm impressed with myself.

After today's first period my 4 other classmates said that they didn't want to attend the next class and they wanted me to ditch with them. But I'm against that because I haven't come to piss around. I told them that I would if only the girls would 'give a chance' (i.e. give a guy a chance to do them), but they either ignored me or didn't get it, had to give one guy the pelvis thrusting motion till he got it after which his eyes lost hope in convincing me to ditch with them. And it was just after that the teacher came in and they got stuck and had to go through the second period. They did escape after that second period and I being the dick showed up, the only student in the class. My teacher gave me two marks that will go to my accumulative average and an idea of what the questions will be in the upcoming test.

I can't blame people for not wanting to read my blog it is definitely very boring.

Oh yeah I can hear my generator running, it seems the Sudanese man that lives with me has figured out how to run the generator by himself and thus saving me the trouble in the future.

There's an American reading Arabic off that gadget next to the camera on AlHurra-Iraq news station. Wow does that make me feel better about myself. His accent is worse than mine and the man's on TV. And he's correcting himself as he's reading. Oh but now he's interviewing Newt Gingrinch. Newt's got some wise stuff to say. Such as suggesting doing a Roosevelt style New Deal for the Iraqis. I've believed for a long time that the government should get people to plant all new trees where they once stood before Saddam destroyed during the Iran-Iraq war.

Suzy gave me grief yesterday when I called her to check if I had done some homework right. She told me that I'm her only friend left since Sandy's left to Amman today. It was a couple of weeks ago we had our little talk in which we agreed that we're not going to have any romance between each other. Sandy's departure has made Suzy's attitude towards me really awkward for me. If only Suzy was a bit cuter, had bigger tits for example, I wouldn't feel so bad if I did mess around with her and eventually break up with her. Now am I making excuses for myself? But I know I'm not interested in her.

Bored, very bored, very very bored. Want to bash my head open, turn my brains to mush and throw it back in.

I was contemplating the thought of taking a mental holiday last night. Just lose my mind for a month or so. Trouble with madness, is that it's really hard to come back from. It might not take much to get there, 100 quid's worth of skunk and a packet of paroxetine that was how I achieved a glorious state of madness 5 years ago. Had I known what I was going to get myself into in the aftermath I might have been able to prevent the crash that followed. I could get my hands on the paroxetine and it takes three weeks to kick in. But I'm not sure if I'd get the same effect without the skunk.

Oh I just came close to taking a bite off of my nails.

I'm waiting for my internet connection to work so I can post. Everyday around about this time (seven in the evening) it turns to shit. I'm going to go practise some guitar exercises.

Strumming Right

I finally started taking guitar lessons today. The tutor's a good guy. The guy pointed out to me that my posture and grip were wrong. He's given me some print outs with exercises and a couple of CDs with video clips and software to help me out. I've yet to check out the CDs. But I've already started doing the exercises. I suck. But hey I can't get any worse than I already am. I've got a long way ahead of me, but I've got plenty of time. And what's great is that it guitar playing doesn't require electricity unlike everything else.

What's Going On?

I wish I could understand what's going on here. For the past couple of weeks I've tried watching the news looking for some concrete sign that things can turn around. I'll keep saying that I'm not good at understanding politics. But I think I can try to see the picture from more than one point of view and I hate conspiracy theories. But I have to admit that conspiracy theories are very seductive. In regards to conspiracy theories, what I try to do is just accommodate them into the big picture so that they can easily be slotted in and out without breaking the cohesion of all the other more upfront factual elements. It makes it harder but most people here are convinced that the Americans are they themselves directly responsible for many terrorist attacks for example that it's impossible to speak to them without being able to concede the possibility. So I'm slowly building up a picture. But I'm getting stuck when it comes to America's stance to the Shiite militias especially the ones that have a strong Iranian influence.

Bye Byes And Alcoholism

I thought Kala was going to leave on Sunday but he left today. The poor guy, he had three deaths in his family during the past month. He's now moved to Egypt. I'm sure he's glad that his Cinderella life is all over now. He kept calling himself Cinderella because he wasn't allowed to leave the house.

Dina left to Dubai a couple of days ago out of the blue to Dubai. She was the last chick I could call when I got bored. She says she'll come back in three months but I'm not counting on it.

Even India is going to go piss off to Germany to get some technical training in January.

Well at least I got myself a bottle of cheap whiskey. I should go pour myself another drink.

Oh jeez, I've got this Sudanese man that lives in my house, he helps Nahida with the cleaning and the odd jobs around the house. Nahida helps him get work from the neighbours. This guy keeps startling me when I go in the kitchen when he's praying the dark. I'd walk into the kitchen thinking I'm by myself and then he'd rise or I'll hear him murmuring his prayer. Anyway I got my drink now.

Chatting to Remy, we've come to the conclusion that we're too weak when confronted by temptation. We're coming to terms that we suffer from whiskey withdrawal. Alcoholism is for real.

Yesterday I sent in a comment to the 'Have Your Say' thing on the BBC website. So today they called me and asked me to participate on the show, but I declined on the premise that I'm not knowledgeable enough and don't represent the common Iraqi. But then I went back to the site to look for my comment. And it wasn't there! The punks! Why would they bother to ask me to participate on the show and not post my comment? I sent in another that although seems to me like a very fair remark it would definitely rub the wrong way if it were brought to light even though I don't know why. I wonder if it'll show up tomorrow nevertheless. I doubt it.

One thing that's driving me nuts in the media is that journalists still spend so much effort time dwelling on the subject of whether the war was just or not. Everybody knows it was a big blunder in it's execution, so just get over it.

Earlier this week a warning to students got passed around by e-mail I finally got a copy of it. I don't really understand it. I'm not going to take it seriously but I don't appreciate the prime minister's attitude when he threatened that all students and teachers will be penalised if they don't show up.

Need Blu-Tack

I forgot to mention that Kala's got another death in the family. I'm not sure how, but his mum's cousin was on his way to the morgue and got shot a couple days ago. That makes the third death in his family in less that two or three week's time. I went over to his house today. India was there and Miz showed up a little later traumatized by his experience at the morgue to help pick up Kala's relative's body from there.

Miz described the floor of the morgue being covered from wall to wall with blood. And there were bodies that were burnt and bits missing. Him and another friend of Kala also helped some of the others that were there get their deceased out.

A suicide bomber also tried to get into the morgue and was stopped as he tried to enter. A man grabbed him with a bear hug from behind and the suicide bomber had his hands tied with a hose and thrown in the back of a police car. Miz was standing just a couple of feet when this happened.

As for me I had a very normal day. Went to college attended my classes and came back home. On my way back I passed by a few stationary shops looking for Blu-Tack thinking that's the easiest way to fix my wireless network card because the screw to attach the antenna is missing. So far I've been to 5 stationary shops asking about the stuff. Some of them didn't even know what it was. Blu-Tack, it's so damn useful! Obviously this country isn't going to get anywhere without Blu-Tack. My last hope is to go to the stationary/book market.

Demoralising Education

On Sunday, Sandy and another girl announced that they were moving to Amman. That other girl's evil because she has the uncanny ability to memorize text by heart that I had not known about till a couple of weeks ago when she over eagerly began to recite from her head the word for word text from the textbook when the teacher asked the question. She was reciting so fast I couldn't catch what she was saying. It really pissed me off. And so I was really glad to hear that she was leaving, but today somebody told me she had changed her mind.

Suzy is very sad about her best and more or less only good friend leaving. And I'm pretty bummed out too, I'm going to miss watching Sandy's cute body. And it's just my luck that just as I was thinking that this other girl in my class isn't too bad looking and could take her place. This other girl then decides to also announce that she's leaving too. She's smart so I asked her about the transfer process, which seems not to be much of a problem from what I understood from her. I'm trying to make Nahida understand that my dad and her should be working on a contingency plan for me.

Last week, Taweela the classmate that I had been waiting for to take guitar lessons with me died in a car accident. He was returning from Syria when the car he was travelling in flipped over. What makes his death extra sad was that last year two of his brothers also died. One was murdered and the other died from electrocution. Last weekend another classmate of mine told me that he's probably going to ditch this year to go work in Syria. He hasn't shown up this week so even though he's often spoke about quitting, I think this time he really has.

Our first period lecturer began the class by chatting about the state of the country. Blaming the Americans for all the violence in the country. She told us the story of a school that was visited by Americans in the middle of the night. The following day the headmaster went round the school to check if everything was in order and found a bomb on the roof. It's the kind of story that resembles the bombing of the Shiite mosque in Samara when supposidly just after the Americans visited the site the place blew up and incited some Shiites to go kill some Sunnis.

But anyway, the interesting thing I heard was that the government was suggesting reducing the hours of attendance at primary schools. Everybody's finding the idea outrageous considering that the kids aren't learning much anyway. Some girl mentioned that her little brother or sister was just attending two or three hours every other day. And I can't remember who told me that the teachers have been threatened to not teach and so the kids just go to school and waste their time. I don't know how true it all is, take it with a pinch of salt, and you're still left with kids not getting the education they need and a government that's not pushing for a solution.

Apparently the situation in my college is a lot better than in others where students and teachers are not showing up. I'm not quite understanding what the story is. The general picture I'm getting is that the universities have become another piece of turf that's being fought over. If I understood correctly there's a rumour going round that the insurgents don't want people to attend universities so that they can attack the Sadr people that have taken control of some of the state run universities. The whole picture is very confusing and complicated to me.

The one big question that's running through my mind and I can only assume all the other students is will the universities remain continue to operate this year or will they all close down?

There's one teacher that's pissing me off. He's supposed to give us a class at half past one on Mondays. So I was there at the classroom at half past one. One of the building's doors got locked by the cleaning lady, some other guy turned off all the lights on the floor and the teacher didn't show up. I went to my department's office and the secretary told me that he showed up last week. Nobody was going to come last week so why did he bother then and not now. It's just taking the piss that he's not showing the same commitment the other teachers are.

One Month On

I didn't realise till just now that December has started. Looking back, the days seem to have passed so quickly. What am I going to do this New Year's eve? Last year my Forcer friend dragged me along to some neighbour of mine that works for a western news agency. I got well drunk and had to crawl back home and fell asleep before midnight. But the Forcer went off to Dubai while I was away and the dog's probably going to go spend New Year's in Kenya. Perhaps I should take Nahida's suggestion that I go off to Istanbul during the Christmas time break more seriously.

When I got here a month ago I was told that the country would take a step in the right direction within two months. One month has passed and things have got a lot worse. Maybe that's a good thing if it sparks the change needed, otherwise it seems like things are just going to continue to deteriorate for a long while longer. And I too might have to choose to leave provided that nothing happens to me first. The thought of leaving Baghdad makes me sad. I don't want to leave, I'm happier here than anywhere else even despite all that's going on. I don't speak the local language fluently and I don't quite fit in with the general public, but nevertheless this is the closest thing to home that I have and I do have the right to claim it as such. Because even though I don't exactly talk like an Iraqi should and don't understand all the Iraqi jokes all the time the people never make me feel like an outsider.

I really don't need this bullshit. I just want to finish college and start leading a normal life after that. I don't want to move to another country again. If I do, it'd make all the past 5 years here go down the drain. If things get bad maybe I should move to the farm where it's much safer. The thought of which is very unappealing. Living in Baghdad you ask yourself why did 'progress' forsake this place every day, whereas at the farm you'd ask yourself that same question every cursed second.

And 2 hours of electricity a day is seriously taking the piss!

Blessed By My Ignorance?

Just spoke to India he's feeling a little better. He had caught the flu from me but it got in a much worse way. K called him from abroad yesterday and told him to tell me: "Kouss ughtek" (Your sister's pussy). I guess he didn't like my last post. K's a lot more knowledgeable about Iraqi politics than I am, so he's got the right. I should put a disclaimer in regards to anything political I post.

But it has been few days that I've been coming to terms that I have no grasp of what's going on in this country. I don't know who the players in the government are, what they're doing or their backgrounds. I don't know what's going on on the ground. I know I can't always call my classmates cowards for not showing up at college and so when I'm the only one in the class that shows up I do get the suspicion that everyone else is living in a much more dangerous Baghdad than I am. And when I do see some of them I overhear them talking about the wildest things, things that I can't say I've been a witness to. I must have the most boring life out of all the people that live in Baghdad.

Oh yes, this is so cool! I've finally got a wireless router installed in my house. I can now sit on my upstairs balcony (which is actually part of Nahida's part of the house) and type in my blog under the watchful gaze of the night stars and the noise of those annoying Americans. but seriously these jet fighters can be really annoying. A week ago I noticed that it takes a lot of time for the sound of a jet fighter because of the delay between seeing a jet fighter fly overhead and hearing it. Now I'm breaking my neck trying to spot the pain in the ass. I swear it's one plane just going round and round in circles. I've thought about writing big messages on the my roof like Keep Quiet!

Kala's got another death in the family. A stray bullet from the sky landed on his aunt when she was sitting outside in the 'Hunter's Club'. And that's what happens when people shoot into the air something that the armed forces that vagrantly continue to do so remain oblivious to. Every single one of those idiots that shoots in the air should be trialled for endangering the public.

I saw Od yesterday he had the exact same flu as me as a result of the last weekend's curfew. We had gone through the same stages at the same time throughout our bout. We were even caughing up phlegm together after we ate the chicken shawerma sandwiches I had brought with me to his house. We joked about how cute one of the little girls that lived next door was. The joke being that the good looking women are so few and far between that we've resorted to eyeing girls with bodies that have just barely begun to mature.

And just as a note, I've got no idea why saying "your sister's pussy" is a dis which has the same effect as saying "Fuck You". I think it might be a contracted way of wishing a dick goes into your sister's pussy. Arabic cursing is something special but unfortunately most of it is very hard to translate. It deserves a lot of praise but since I'm not fluent in it I can't have the honour to do it justice.

Sniffle Sniffle

I've got the flu. It's glorious. Sedated the natural way.

Last Thursday my friend India took a cab to get home but unluckily for India, past half way the cab driver got scared and brought India back to mine. India ended up spending the next three nights at mine. We spent our time playing on our Nintendo DSs, watching Iraqi TV and playing Scrabble. I didn't win a single game of Scrabble with him and I know so many more words than him.

India loves watching the news, on the other hand I wasn't too enthusiastic about it. But India's commentary is always interesting. He'd point out the bias on all the channels. There's one channel that he tells me has been shut down twice or three times but it's back now repeating an old Al-Jazeera talk show dating back from a few years before the war with Muwafak Al-Rubaie and the politician that the channel sponsors. The politician goes on about how Muwafak is an Iranian pretending to be an Iraqi and that his party plans to divide Iraq and cause great bloodshed. India informed me that SCIRI and it's Badr Brigade used to interrogate and torture Iraqi POWs for the Iranians during the Iran-Iraq war.

One channel had a televised open forum debate in Sadr city. With members of parliament and tribal leaders and other people from the neighbourhood. I felt sorry for one frustrated guy that admitted voting for the government that let Thursday's deaths happen.

Sadr city was a mistake to start off with. It was artificially designed in the sixties or seventies, I think to bring the poor out of rural poverty and into the city. It led to a big square with a relatively very high population density still stricken with poverty. It's name before the last war was Al-Thawra (which translates to 'The Revolution'). Was it named so by Saddam? I'm not sure, was the name suppose to hold some kind of prophecy? I hope not. When I was in school kids would talk about how they'd have tanks parked in their garages their and that even Saddam feared to mess with them.

The people in Sadr city complained that they weren't given the right to form their own security force. That they had only two hospitals and 80 ambulances. They also complained of the lack of doctors but they give doctors such a hard time. Doctors in Iraq are the least respected humans in Iraq, they get bullied by the police and people accompanying their sick. That pavements were being made and broken down to be remade again over and over again, a sign that some seriously blatant corruption is going on. I've seen that happen all over Baghdad too. Roundabouts all over the city keep getting redone.

We also saw a show about the ambulance service. There were recommendations not to move injured people and to let the ambulance service do it in a precise scientific method for fear of permanent damage. That recommendation is bound to fall on deaf ears. It's so sad.

One ambulance driver told his story of how he got attacked while picking up a patient in Adhamiya and shot in the leg by armed men despite numerous pleas.

There was another story of how when a police car that was accompanying an ambulance was trying to clear the road by shooting rounds into the air an American helicopter took it as a sign of hostility and shot back at the police car and the ambulance. In my opinion two mistakes were made before the Americans made theirs, first of all people should pull over and stop when an ambulance is on the road with its sirens on but they never do and police men should never shoot rounds into the air.

I began to get feverish a couple days ago. Feverish dreams are amazingly thrilling. That said, the dreams weren't so cool. All I've got now is runny nose, I've gone through two boxes of tissues already.

I went to college today. Not a single soul from my class showed up. I'd of thought that after being stuck at home for three days, people would be looking for any excuse to get out. But they're all too scared. It's just like a few weeks ago when Saddam's was sentenced. A curfew was imposed and when it was removed, a lot of people were too scared to go out. But it's my observation that nothing usually happens the day the curfew is removed. But I do appreciate having to go through less traffic.

Even the teacher that was supposed to teach us the first two classes of the day didn't show up. She lives further away from me, and someone told me that some roads were blocked, so I'm assuming that's why she didn't make it. So after finding out that the teacher who was going to give us the third and last class of the day had left, I decided to ditch too.

I went over to a nearby hospital to take a blood group test. An hour later the question that's been boggling me for years arrived: I'm 'A' positive.

India's mum called me telling me to tell India to stay at mine because she's been hearing that there are fake checkpoints. I called Nahida to find out that he had left fifteen minutes ago to go back to his house to charge his mobile phone. An hour passed with no word with him. It got me worried eventually he gave me a call and explained that when he got home there was no electricity at his house to charge his phone. He also mentioned that when he was approaching a checkpoint a young man was being handcuffed and put into a vehicle and at that point India thought that that was it for him. But fortunately he went through the checkpoint to make it home safely.

I was waiting for my evening classes when Nahida who'd been telling me to come back home all day said that she heard from people in the street that the curfew was going to start at three in the afternoon. I asked the guards at the school if they had heard so and they said they hadn't. A little later a cop overheard that there was a curfew at three through his radio. The guards were doubtful it was true since nothing had happened. I then called Miz, who told me that it turned out to be untrue. Soon enough the guards also said that an Iraqi television channel also said that it was untrue.

Just called a couple classmates, the first one told me she wasn't coming but that others may do, the second said he was coming and that another guy that's been up north for the past couple of weeks is coming too.

Finished The Poem

Yes I'm done, I've finally finished that dreaded poem. I haven't had the teacher correct it yet but here is what it translates to...

I walk forwards
You walk backwards
Sooner or later we'll find each other

Your hands covered in blood
My hands covered in sweat
Sooner or later we'll face each other

And in that slow moment
Paralysed by your terror
Sooner or later you'll kill me.

It looks alot smaller typed. I did steal the idea for the first stanza from a Radiohead song but it still took me all day to come up with. It is fairly depressing I have to admit. Next time I'll have to make sure I do something romantic instead.

Don't Want To Write A Poem

Just got back home. Exhausted. Nahida's upstairs on the balcony barbecuing me something to eat. She's pissed off to have found one of her flower pots smashed by a piece of flying shrapnel from a car bomb that blew up on the main street while she was out buying me a dictionary.

I've started taking evening classes again. Everybody's home by six in the evening, so having those classes end at quarter to five in a somewhat distant neighbourhood isn't too convenient. But I don't want to spend more time at home than I have to. Other people obviously don't share my opinion since we were only three people in the class. One of them is rather cute girl. I've got to write a poem now because I couldn't get it done in class. I hate writing poems.

Getting two hours of electricity a day is taking the piss. It's not as if it's so warm that everybody's running their air conditioners and it's not so cold as to need to turn on the heaters. The national consumption of electricity during this time must be at it's lowest, so why do we only get two hours of electricity. What's even stranger is that nobody is complaining.

I had the pleasure of an overly-excited cab driver on the way back. He was telling me that a phony checkpoint was set up in Haifa St making all the Sunnis to be pulled aside. The real cops showed up later and placed checkpoints around the neighbourhood trying to find the ones who made the phony checkpoint. The cab driver was telling me that things were happening all over Baghdad. But as always I was oblivious to it all.

During lunch break, there was a Kia minivan that was suspected of being a car bomb, close to my college. Iraqi EOD was there and they had the street blocked off. I never heard it go off and I don't know if they diffused it or if it turned out not to be a car bomb.

I was fifteen minutes late to get to college today. One of the roundabouts leading to my college was blocked off for no apparent reason. Luckily I was in a cab and just walked the rest of the way. As I was walking, I thought of what to say in case the teacher chose to give me attitude. But when I got to class she wasn't there. When she finally did arrive, she explained that she got lost in the side alleys after being blocked by that same roundabout that was closed off to me and that she lives even further away from my college than I do.

News Entertainment

What a long weekend. I only have classes four days a week: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. On Wednesday we've only got one class at half past eight in the morning. Last Wednesday I didn't go and I don't think anybody else. But unless I've got some advantage in that class, I'm going to have make it a habit of attending that very badly timed class. Tomorrow's Sunday and it'll be the start of the second week of college.

It's been a very long and boring weekend. Forced to be at home before six in the evening and Friday's curfew doesn't help either. And despite being house bound most of the time, I've only managed to read 5 or so pages from one of my textbooks. I'll have to pick up the pace there. I'm going to have plenty of these long and boring weekends before the year is through.

So how am I keeping myself busy? I've finally sorted out all the mp3 files that I downloaded while I was in the UK. And my iPod is now good to go. I've been playing Metroid and Metroid Hunters on my Nintendo DS. And I've been trying to learn how to play a barre chord on my guitar. I've got to start taking guitar lessons, but I'm waiting one of my classmates to come back from Syria. Maybe I should just go ahead, he might never show up.

I wonder how many mugs of coffee and tea I go through a day. Whenever my mug's empty I call on Nahida to get me another. I'm not a caffeine fiend, I'm just thirsty. On the other hand, I'm back to smoking a lot. While I was in the UK, I had managed to cut down on my smoking, but I'm back to chain smoking now.

A few days ago Nahida got the downstairs satellite receiver fixed. I'm discovering that I can understand Arabic television a lot more than I had imagined. But I've still got problems understanding the news in particular. I'm always getting my digest of the news through Google news or the BBC and I'm curious to see what the Iraqi networks are saying, so I've added all the Iraqi networks to my favourites list. One of my friends jokes about how the scrolling news bar at the bottom of the screen doesn't ever repeat itself, but I can't tell because it moves too fast for me.

My biggest trouble with reading college material is my weak vocabulary. So when I read five pages or so this weekend. I must've dug out over 30 words out of the dictionary and write them down in an indexed hard covered notebook. One of the words that I jotted learnt was the word for 'loan'. So I really glad to understand one sound bite during a televised conference that mentioned that Iraq was getting a 3.5 million dollar loan from Japan to build a port.

There was some fuss about corruption in the government. Some guy was quoting a report on corruption in the government and then the committee that made the report seemed to be taking a defensive stance. There was also some guy who was saying that the government has all the information on the five thousand people that make up the 'death squads' but that the government is undecided on how to implement a plan to deal with them.

And I get the new Al-Jazeera in English. I wonder if my parents in the UK get it with their Sky subscriptions. It's fairly entertaining, I'm waiting to see them criticize some Arab leaders, that would be nice. I saw the Blair interview, he didn't say that Iraq was a disaster. Frost was asking a question and threw in the word 'disaster' at the very end just as Blair began to answer.

I'm watching the news right now. It's really good. I'm glad to see the subjects are out there and being spoken about. I just wish I could understand it all a little better. I got the dictionary next to me now, picking out the words that keep getting repeated. Well the electricity just cut off. I guess they can't have the people watching too much news, otherwise they'd find out what's going on.

Nahida is telling me that her sister said that the bank near her home got robbed by cops during the night and that all was reported on the news was that a bank got robbed with no further details.

Moot

Yesterday, I went over to Kala's house to give him my condolences about his brother-in-law to be's murder. The guy and his cousin I think were driving back from work when they were attacked and were left with two bullet wounds each, one in the neck and one in the chest. The news ofcourse hit hardest on Kala's seventeen year-old sister the one to whom the guy was engaged.

I'm against the death penalty in general to start off with. I'm against killing all together except if it's in direct self-defence. So it's been somewhat depressing to hear people call for the death of Saddam because even though the man's got the blood of thousands on his hands I don't want his blood on mine and it's even more so depressing to see such a lust for blood so widely acceptable.

Today's news of the mass kidnapping at a Ministry of Education building, got me thinking that if Saddam's ruling to be executed was justifiable by his actions, then why can't this present government be held accountable in the same way for their inaction that has also lead to countless murders and a nation living in a fear even greater than that of Saddam's?

It's suprising to me that the government can't get a better grip on it's police and other security forces. To me it's obvious that it's unwilling. For example, when driving through Baghdad you'll get cars with loud sirens with gunmen sometimes shooting live rounds in the air either dressed up as police or army and even civilian clothes force you to get out of your lane so that they may zip by. Why are civilian dressed men allowed to carry guns is beyond me. But the fact is that a member of parliament would have a security detail dressed as civilians, and that's not right.

What's worse is how these same convoy just pass drive right through the checkpoints. If the checkpoints are there then they one would think that they should be checking any vehicles that have the potential of being suspicious. And since gunmen dressed in police cars have been blatantly comitting crimes then the logical thing to do would be to have them checked at the checkpoints regularly.

I often wonder why the police and the army have to drive about so much, Saddam's police and army didn't move about this much nor did they have as many vehicles for that matter.

With all the money being spent on security in Iraq, it wouldn't be too much of a leap to have a communication network setup to have all the police/army convoys keep communication with some center so that the center may relay all relevant information prior to the convoy's arrival to a checkpoint so as to acknowledge both the convoy and the checkpoint.

I know I'm just ranting on at this point, I don't know what these checkpoints nor the police are expected to do by their superiors to be honest, as far as I can tell they just bottleneck all the traffic and the police ones hang about to pick up bribes. I just feel that things could be so much better if those in power and those on the ground would just focus and do things right.

Classes Start

Walking into uni, I was quite surprised to see the place busy with people. I headed straight over to my department. I was trying to decipher my schedule posted on the bulletin board when from the corner of my a familiar voice called out my name. Turned around and stared at the face, time nearly stood still, and the question sprinted across my mind: who the hell is this?! After some very slow nanoseconds an answer came: the girl's in my class. What's her name?... the answer didn't come and real time rushed back. And so the rest of the day was spent acknowledging to myself that I can't remember the names of the people I was speaking to.

She figured out where our class was. We peeked into the classroom and saw just the teacher sitting there on his own. The seats were covered in dust so he called the cleaning lady to come and wipe our chairs. After that was dealt with we took our seats and the teacher got all earnest and began the lesson. There was nothing for me and Zina (I heard the teacher call her by her name) to do but to start taking notes. Half way through the class two other girls appeared.

That class isn't going to be too much trouble since it's all maths. But the one that came after it was terrible. The handout that we had to buy for the class was a photocopied textbook. And when the teacher spoke, I couldn't make out half of what was being said. The man would rant on in a loud voice even though we were only 4 students and the echo in the classroom blurred the sound of his words. And for some reason he couldn't understand what I was saying. I think it requires some time for some people to adjust to my awful Arabic.

Third class was okay, we were three students this time Zina, Dudu (the one other person from my old section to show up) and Me, I'm familiar with the teacher he taught Risk Management last year. It's going to be difficult, but the format looks alot like what we had last year with him. He'd give us a list of the questions that would come in the exams. Just memorize the underlined stuff and Bob's your uncle.

I chatted to a girl today that Enie from my class had a short lived thing with last year. The poor girl's got a bad reputation, easy to get if you're outgoing. I'll try taking her out or at least get her phone number next time. Unlike all the other girls I know in college, last year she told me she wouldn't mind going off the campus. She's hoping to transfer to another uni so I better not waste my chances. And if she does get to switch that would be ideal after I get her number, that would be ideal.

On the way back, the cab driver didn't have enough change to give back to me, so I let him off. But I'm beginning to realise I need to start taking it easy on my charity. It wouldn't of been too much trouble to of walked into a shop to get the right change to give him.

I got home, had lunch and took a long nap. I'm supposed to read the first chapter of two of the books I've got, but I need to go buy a new dictionary since I left mine in the UK. Since we've started classes so late, we're now expected to read the material on our own. It takes me ten times the time to read Arabic than it would the others. What a drag. Well there's nothing to do now but play Metroid and call up some classmates to encourage them to come to class tomorrow.

Busted

Woke up around mid-day. Nahida chose not to wake me up today. I was supposed to sign a right-of-attorney for the lawyer, but she couldn't get through to him. I would've like to have gone to college, but I don't think it's a big deal I didn't go although I told one of my teachers that I would show up today. I slept really late last night anyway.

So after I scoffed some basterma and eggs, I took a walk to the shops to buy a pack of cigs. And the weather was so nice, that I popped the last bit of vodka that I had lying around before I left and chilled in the garage. After I finished the vodka, I got showered and dressed, told Nahida that I was going to Kais's just to save myself from an argument. Because I was after those DS games again.

I've been asking people whether the odds and evens on the road rule is still in force, and most people told me that it wasn't. So today was an odd day and my car's even. So I'm a bit wasted and I get pulled aside twice at the checkpoints. Each time I offered to pay the fine and once I've pulled out the cash from my pocket they both asked me for ten thousand dinars (6 bucks) instead of paying the thirty thousand dinar fine.

It was four o'clock when I reached Bab-Alshargi. And the all the shops there were closed. So another day goes by and I don't have any new DS games. I spent the rest of the day at Kala's. Miz dropped me home at around seven o'clock. The street was really dark, the only person I saw was a traffic policeman at the end of the street. Miz pointed out to me that the street lights are kept off all the time now. The curfew is now at 9 o'clock, but I can't blame people for not wanting to walk about if there are no street lights.

College Don't Want To Start

Woke up, drove to college. Not many people there. Only two other students in my class showed up. We were going to start last Sunday, but that Saddam verdict curfew stopped that from happening. And today the day that the curfew got lifted, alot of people were afraid to go out in fear that something might happen. But as far as I can tell today was a pretty normal day.

We're just a month and a half away from mid-year exams I think, and we've yet to start. And there are alot of students that have left the country and won't be attending this year. In our university the people that are in your first year are the same people that'll be sitting in the same classes with you till your last year. The only way we get new students is if people fail from the year ahead of us. I was in with the year ahead of us when I was in first year.

After hanging out at college for a while and speaking to some of the teachers. I decided to go catch a cab to Bab-Alshargi to get more DS games. So I walk up to the intersection to grab a cab but the Americans have the intersection locked down with these vehicles that they've been using alot instead of humvees, I don't know what they're called. I got yelled at along with some others and wasn't even allowed to cross to the other side.

More people would walk into the intersection trying to mind their own business some would just walk through and it made sense in the case of a couple with a little child, but others caught the Americans attention. A couple guys who were told to stop were made to stand next to me, but then they figured it'd be okay to walk back from where they came from, the American from his vehicle shot something at the guys' feet with a sling shot.

Then a woman came by and was told to stand with the two guys, me and the other by-standers. As the vehicle that had been ordering the two guys and the woman to stand still drove off the soldier on top of the vehicle blew the woman a kiss. And that pissed her and the other two guys off even more. I don't know why I found it funny.

During that ordeal the butcher had tried to call me, my meat was ready to be picked up which meant I had lost my chance to go buy DS games. So I get lost like I always do. All the streets leading from one roundabout to the other look the same to me.

So the butcher is right next to this all-time cool supermarket. And I don't know what the hell was up but they were out of so many things. After I finished my shopping and popped back to the butcher, I asked him what the deal was, but I didn't get a straight answer. It's getting really bad, it's as if we're going to through the sanctions all over again.

So then I was off to Al-Lami's which was on the way back, to get some fast food and some more shopping done. This guy's stock doesn't rely so much on specially imported stuff and therefore there wasn't much room for disappointement. I also got a chicken shawerma sandwich for me and a cheeseburger for Od. Since he's on my way back home, I thought I might as well have a bit with him. His family like mine isn't here, but he doesn't have a Nahida.

He told me that his girlfriend's parents who lives directly accross the alley from him won't let her go to her uni since it's become a shiite only uni. Later this evening I spoke to some guy who goes to the same uni, he tells me it's just a rumour and that his friend 'Omar', a very recognizable Sunni name, came to uni with him.

Well it seems to me everyone's getting way too paranoid. I mean I know shit's going down, things blowing up everywhere, scores are getting settled so on and so on. But the fear is seriously getting chronic and contaigous. The people have got to make more of an effort to lead a normal life. What really takes the biscuit was seeing a 10 year old kid walking back from school by himself. 10 year old kids are going to school for crying out loud and those schools get hit too, but they're going. But grownup university students oh noooo too scary for them.

Anyway got home, dropped the shopping off and went to see my internet man. Oh I don't want to think about that now. Long story short, I thought I had a weak signal which was my ping is so crap. Well after buying a 3 meter pipe and to replace the piece of wood I've been using as a mast for my grid and spending hours adjusting it, I realise that I had misunderstood the way the signal was measured and that I had in fact had a good signal.

But before I got the pipe, I did go see the doctor and was made aware of my own little hysteria. I don't have lyme's disease, I'm fine. The doc gave me some antibiotics and some antibiotic cream, he said if the thing on my leg don't go away in a week I should go back to him. To be honest I can barely tell it's there now.

Damn Tick

Today I went to Bab-Alshargi with Nahida. As we were approaching the main street to catch a taxi to go there we heard a not so loud but a very close-by explosion. When the mainstreet became in sight from the alley that we reached, one of the residents said that's the seventh time that an IED has been planted in that gap in the meridian.

Nahida and I decided that it would be best that we walk in the opposite direction into the alley that runs somewhat parrallel to the mainstreet, ofcourse all the traffic would be diverted that way. The cab we caught told us that it happened infront of him. He said an Iraqi Army convoy was driving by and that the IED blew after the first vehicle passed it which according to the taxi driver is why he thinks it was detonated remotely. Nobody was injured. Nahida went on to remark that it's not so much the IED that was scary but the way that the Iraqis randomly shoot afterwards. Every explosion is followed by some gunfire, the point of which I still wonder.

Another example of anti-government violence was given to me by my internet provider, who told me about the checkpoint setup at the beginning of the main street that kept being shot dead by a sniper. Several times they put up the checkpoint but they kept getting shot by the sniper. They looked for the sniper but couldn't find him. Eventually they just gave up putting a checkpoint there.

Anyway, I'm really glad I went to Bab-Alshargi today. It really helped me break that fear that people around me keep on building up. Bab-Alshargi is supposed to be dangerous but the truth is it's a very active market during the day, next to it is Betaween. Betaween is a really weird neighbourhood, it's probably one of the most densly populated parts of Baghdad. Now I can't for the life of me remember why these neighbourhoods are condsidered so dangerous.

I got a couple of games for my Nintendo DS there, I was hoping to find Tetris but with no luck. Instead I got Lego Star Wars II and Worms. Worms was a waste of money. There were a couple of other games like the Tamagotchi that I wish I had bought. I could try popping by there another day later this week. I don't why in the world I was so being so frugal. I bought Lego Star Wars II for 12 bucks! and Worms for 10. Lego Star Wars II would cost over 40 bucks in the UK.

After I got home I went to see the same dentist that I saw just before leaving 4 months ago. His clinic was closed. We asked a secretary in one of the other clinics in the building about him. The secretary told us that he hasn't showed up since Ramadhan. I've got a broken filling he told me I should have fixed, and I don't know of any other dentists that I trust. The one before him did a well botched up job.

Well there was another building filled with clinics down the street, so I at least got my teeth polished. Whether I want to get that woman to do my filling I'm not sure. She looked pretty cheap.

So the docs and dentists are on the run, how bleeding convenient... I went to Sweden in September to see Hans. So along with Kiko we went mushroom picking together. We came back covered in ticks (I had over 15 on my body). One of them got past me and stuck around sucking above my ankle for a couple of days until I accidently scratched it off. It was fat with my blood much unlike the small ones that I had plucked out the day of the mushroom picking.

A couple of weeks ago I noticed that same area all swelled up after it began getting itchy but I didn't think much of it and thought it'd go away but it's not. I've just been reading about how I could possibly have Lyme's disease. And oh my gosh I'm scared, what worries me is that I don't think we have the disease here so it'd be quite exotic to the average docter. I hope Hans is okay, he had one on his balls, but he got his from wearing the same unwashed trousers he wore the day we went mushroom picking and so the tick probably didn't have the chance to infect him.

Now I've got to find a doctor to deal with this. I'm not sure what kind of doctor I should be looking for. There's this one dermatologist who's good (the only one out of 3 doctors who diagnosed my psoriasis correctly). I saw before leaving 4 months ago too, and he was all upset that day, I think his son might been kidnapped or something of the sort. I'd bet he's out of here by now too. I'm considering going to a pharmacist and just asking him for some antibiotics. Maybe I should go to Medical city with Od. My laziness really got me this time, I could have had it diagnosed and treated in the UK with peace of mind if only I wasn't so lazy.

I'm falling asleep after every meal, it's pretty annoying. I don't know what's got into me. Maybe I'm still recovering from the sleep deprivation I suffered on my way here or maybe it's the humming of the air conditioner.

I was hoping to go to college tomorrow, to at least get this year's handouts and warm up Arabic reading skills. But they had to make tomorrow a no driving day the bastards. I also need to go to the other side of town to get some shopping done. The two good convenience stores that regularly go to near my home have suffered alot. Most important of all one of them stopped stocking Starkist tuna. My fridge is so empty. This kind of decline is no good. You could take it all, but the food is sacred. There's a third shop in the neighbourhood that I never go to that should give a try now that my first two choices are so weak.

And so tomorrow I've got nothing to do, maybe I should start tidying up.

شجابك؟

I'm back in Baghdad. Got here safely a couple of days ago. I still haven't left my neighbourhood. The electricity ain't too bad, but one would expect better considering the good weather. I'm experiencing a slight queasiness associated with the kebab I had for dinner and the nap I just woke up from. Maybe it's time to pour that my happy to be back drink. (Go to pour that drink).

The steep spiral landing into Baghdad wasn't at all as exciting as it's been made out to be. As soon as I got off the plane Nahida's sister (who works at the airport) was standing waiting for me. She took me aside from the herd handed my passport to some guy who took it to an office while the others got into the passport control queue. The man quickly brought it back stamped and I then picked up my bags. I didn't have to have my stuff checked by security either. I was out of the airport before some member of parliament who I knew looked familiar. Oh and there were no dogs. India told me not to bring any weed with me since he had heard there were dogs.

There isn't much traffic in the streets but there seem to be alot of checkpoints bottlenecking the traffic. Most of the streets coming off the main street, the ones that lead into the residential parts, were closed off with junk. To get to my house I had to take 3rd street before my own. When I had left the number of closed streets were quite few. Also maybe more than half of the shops on the street have closed down. Today the local baker got killed.

In the middle of the main street there was an intersection, but you can no longer u-turn there since they've extended the meridian barrier through the length of the street. A little further along there are two concrete checkpoints. I'm told that I should be back home before dark.

I was hoping to start college as soon as I arrived but nobody has started attending classes yet. And I'm not the going to be the one that's going to show up and wait for others to fall suit since I live the furthest away.

One rumour I've heard so far is that Al-Maliki is feeling powerless against the AlBadr Brigade and his ministers are ignoring him. So the deal is that some old leaders with troops specially trained near the Saudi border will pull off a coup d'etat. Well it sounds hopeful.

There's a traffic ban every Friday during mid-day. Friday is the big market day at Bab-alshargi, supposedly that day is now shifted to Saturday. I miss going there on a Friday. But I'll try to go there on Saturday to get myself some new Nintendo DS games for cheap. I'm praying that they have Tetris. Playing tetris online is great fun.

Will Be Boarding Soon

Phew. I'm that much closer to taking that dump.

Stuck In Amman Airport

On my way to my Heathrow I realised that my layover in Amman was not 4 hours but instead 7 hours. So I began SMSing Kiki from Heathrow to see how I could meet up with him. Left Heathrow a little late. Land in Amman call up Kiki to check all's good. Grab a cab to the city and find him and Omar. We go to Noise's. Drink whiskey. I haven't seen these guys in over a year. I was really glad to see them. Kiki had arranged for the cab that was to take me back a little later than I had hoped, but I made it back in time for my flight. Which was delayed by half an hour or an hour. I was supposed to get on an Iraqi Airways flight but the airline was Lebanese and called 'Flying Carpet'.I get into a seat near the middle emergency exit, the one with the extra leg room and pass out. I wake up later, I don't know how much later since I broke my watch a couple of weeks ago. Looking out of the window it looked alot like Amman, which it was. And people were queuing up to get off the plane. Those passengers were told to sit back down. The guy next to me told me that we had flown out and some technical problem occured whilst in flight and so we came back to Amman airport. Now we're back in that space between Security and the gates. I'm exhausted, I need to take a glorious dump. And I've finished all my cigarettes, mostly whilst I was at Noise's drinking. And over here they only sell cartons. Still don't know what's going to happent to us. I'll just be following the herd.

Jagermeister

I'm flying out tomorrow. Yeah baby. I'm going down to the Middle East :)

Been in the UK for 4 months now and the climate here is getting a tad too cold for my liking. I'm presently shivering since the heating went bust last night and my home here is particularly cold (big windows, high ceilings).

I'm not really sure what to expect when I get back. I'm hoping it'll take me a couple of days to get used to it all again. But being away for 4 months. Oh my am I going to miss seeing the pretty girls walking down the street.

Just about did most of my packing today. Tomorrow I'll go to my dad's pick up my ticket and then to my bro's say bye to him, his wife and kids, and her bro. And then it'll be a long 2-3 hour drive with my mum who'll be getting all emotional on me.

Everyday she's been asking me not to go. The one problem with my accepting the risk (as small as I've made it out to be) of going there is is the possibility that I betray my mother. And by betrayal I mean if I were not to come back.

But fuck that I'm invicible, my friends have reasoned this: If we're getting bum-fucked by God then surely death would be too easy. Indeed, the greater curse is to survive, witness and live through all the shit that life in Iraq has to throw at you.

That being all said, I do miss the comforts. I miss driving. And I'm told that my car's been repaired while I've been gone vroom vroom. College has yet to start, and I think since the roads around Karada have been cut-off college since that American interpreter disappeared I should be cool for a few days.

I've bought t-shirts for all the guys, except for India since he never wears t-shirts instead he got a month long membership to some download site. I also got him a DS lite for him for which he'll pay me back when I get back, but in the meantime it'll be keeping me company on my way. I've downloaded sooo much stuff for India.

I got a Wifi Max for Nintendo DS which gave me trouble. So if you're having some trouble with one of those since you use a Speedtouch modem too, throw in a comment or e-mail me and I'll explain how to fix it up.

Jagermeister is the drink that won't give you a hangover... It'll even make you feel good the next day. If you don't believe me, ask Patrick.

Oh and in case you need to have it pointed out to you, this means that Baghdad Bacon & Egg's summer break is over and I'll be posting as usual.

Two More

Should be feeling the effects of the fine South-West wacky.

I'm in the UK and in two weeks should be going back to Baghdad. I'm getting told to stay in the UK by alot of people. Only my dad and Nahida back home are telling me to go back. I tell myself that I'm going back to finish a lesson or find that missing piece of me. I also think about how I'm halfway through college there, just two more years and I'll have a degree. And I've no fear of smoking my brains away another time with the wacky over there.

That's it. I'm feeling it ravage my head. Maybe I put too much.

Two more weeks and I'll start cursing at myself. I wonder how much worst it would seem there and how long would take for me to regain my bearings should I need to. I've been here in the UK for nearly four months now and that feels like quite a while. I can't say that I'll miss the lifestyle that I've lived over the past 4 months. Working in my brother's shop is so dreary and time consuming. And having my dad insisting on me to visit him every morning is such a nuisance. And that I don't know what to make of why I'm estranging my mother.

It's still early in the night, I could go for another doobie. It could really muck me up.

30 minutes later, I'm too lazy to go out of the window and onto the scaffolding that's surronding the house. I don't want to make it too obvious to my mum that I'm smoking up.

note: I bought my weed last week, and I haven't finished it yet! Years ago when I lived here I'd of smoked that up in a couple of days. And I've probably enough to last me till next Wednesday.

Read! It's Good For Your Eyes

Cooked Geese

I like to be a neutral guy all the time, but heck this is good. If you've ever read an Iraqi blog, something that I rarely do, and started to feel a slight sense of discomfort that then grows into a sense repulsion. That leads you to either close the page or continue reading to see how bad it could possibly get. If after such an experience you're left speech-less (such as I have) and wondered why and how such an occurence is possible and what was it exactly that gave it such a horrifying desire to rip one's own skin off. It's eloquently put here on Ēl Delilâh Not-So-Humble Opinion...

In time more blogs will be bashed and more Iraqi blogger egos will be smashed down, so it might be worth checking it out every once in a while.

As for me I'm looking forward to get back to Baghdad but not just yet but in good time.

Bored In The UK

So it's Friday evening and I'm bored with nothing fun to do. And so here I am on my blog, a nice cosy place for whenever I've got nothing better to do. Oh yikes here come the nephews back from the park. The older one is a selfish, lying and stubborn little punk the other is just out of control and despite being very affectionate it's impossible to reason with him (the little bugger just sneezed on me and smiled).

It's Pretty Warm Here Too

Sadly I'm not going to be posting during my stay here in the UK. I just can't be bothered, considering the amount of other things I could do instead.

I don't have an internet connection yet, it's going to take a few weeks. So right now I'm at my bro's. I'm having a good time here, despite not getting laid.

I think we're going through what the people here call a heat wave right now. Which means it's a bit too warm but not yet hot. Sure I'm sweating but the weather is just too perfect for drinking a beer under the shade of a tree. I've missed trees.

And I did end up smoking some weed. I shouldn't of but I did. Come on.

I Made It

I did it, I'm back home in the UK. Well maybe not exactly home. But home is so hard to define.

I Hate Travelling

Just waiting for the electricity to come back so I can start packing.

Nahida finally made me chickpea sauce with rice using the right kind of meat. The butcher calls the meat: steak cubes. And they taste soo much better than minced beef. I've been trying to get her to cook me this stuff since my mum came to visit.

Cockroach Roaming

Oh shit, there's a huge mofo of a cockroach romaing the floor. Being the wuss that I am, I'm going to have to call in someone to handle it. Looks like it ran into the kitchen. I'll just not go into the kitchen, but that's where the booze is.

Well just a couple days more and I'll be on my way to the UK. I'll be taking a car ride up to the north and hitching a plane from there. I'm a bit worried about that car ride, it's going to pass through some rough regions. Not fearing for my life, but just my laptop. I wouldn't want my laptop getting stolen. Wouldn't it be cool to ask them for a photo together while they're stealing my money and laptop.

I found out that I passed college today. Which is great news since it means I won't have to back early to sit for re-tests. I continue to wonder how Baghdad would be upon my return.

Fozzy came back from the farm today. And told me of the funniest stuff. There's a new cult in the mid-Euphrates area, that's bent on increasing social corruption to summon the 'waiting Mahdi' who'll usher in judgement day. And there's been a case of two highschool boys raping one of their friends. The third told his parents and it's become a tribal issue that my cousin, the tribe's sheikh, is having to deal with.

The question is now do I pour myself some whiskey despite of the heat and lack of ice or not?

Lazy Lane

There's a lost feeling in every one of us isn't there? A little something that yearns to come back to the place it came from. And how I wish I could grab it, to re-aquaint myself with it. To learn what it is that I had lost. The little things that just got away, slipped out of my hands and got lost like particles in a rushing stream of water.

I get the impression that there are parts of me that I've left behind me. Parts that might of taken another route through the parallel dimensions in which co-exist. I feel incomplete. I think of trying to remember the person that I was, to reach out at the person that I was so that I might pull and drag that person to the present.

I'd ask that person to take a look around at how the world has become for myself and the world itself. I'd want it to tell me it's reaction to it all. Maybe it'd share the blame, maybe it wouldn't. Would it make a difference?

I could've seen the world anyway I'd chosen. But I chose to see the world as such, whether by consicous choice or by the composition of who I am. Do I dare take my own will into my own hands? I don't believe so. I've let the random possess me. And the random has led me to even more improbable realities.

My treads and stumbles have led me to a show of the worst turn of events. Yet it could be worst. But yet I keep keep my eyes shut and so I continue to stumble. With my eyes closed I hope to see something beyond that which is under my nose and in my face. And I don't know if there's anything there to see in the darkness that I've created for myself. I progessively detach myself from the corporeal world and even of my own self, I turn blank. Everyday I shoot blanks in my head.

And I kiss myself to sleep every night. My nights are without dreams. If once I was connected to an astral plain, I know that I've lost that too. My mind now works in loops of the lowest common denominator and so my soul has forsaken my mind. But I dream that my soul could someday take me over someday. But I know not how it would lead to that or what to expect should it happen.

But dreams are something to live for and not something to realise. For what would be the point of life after one has fulfilled one's own dream?